Roses are red, I’m staying in bed. I’ve made no plans, besides pretending I’m dead.

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The perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. Preferably siblings. But they can’t both be the same type of stupid. One needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying).

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That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

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You don’t scare me. I used to have to call and ask a girl’s parents if she was there.

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Damn, girl, are you Black Friday? Because I’m wondering what your bloody deal is.

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Burger King implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system.

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Some days you feel like a hotel light. You’re there, but you don’t have enough energy to really do anything.

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Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this family party started.

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I had a Russian Uber driver the other day. His name was Pikup Andropov.

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Entered this world crying, and honestly, not much has changed.

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“I have a date with destiny.” Yeah well, I’m in a long-term relationship with the consequences of my actions.