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Some people are living proof that brain failure does not immediately lead to death.

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I wish I could be as excited about being awake as my dog is about me being awake.

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The prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister.

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Nobody is busier than a woman who isn’t into you.

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The trick is to not let people know how weird you are until it’s too late for them to back out.

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Welcome to social media. A person who does not understand humor will contact you shortly.

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Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

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Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you’re getting a dictionary.

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Sometimes I clean my room so dramatically, it feels like I’m erasing evidence.

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Having little kids is great because I love spending hundreds of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can.