Sorry for not keeping in touch. I literally have nothing to say.

26 shares on Twitch this month:

This year for Thanksgiving, I’ll probably bring what I brought last year… shame upon the family.

94 shares on Instagram this month:

I never thought I would say this, and it took me a while to come to terms, but I think I ate too much bacon.

20 shares on Discord this month:

When you tickle a man to death by accident, it is manslaughter.

62 shares on Snapchat this month:

Establish dominance by asking your dentist if he’s flossing everyday.

25 shares on Instagram this month:

Do you know how much trauma it took to be this funny?

99 shares on Telegram this month:

Flying bugs can basically go anywhere they want, but still choose to fly right into your face.

26 shares on Messenger this month:

This Thanksgiving, don’t ask me questions about my life, just pass the mashed potatoes.

59 shares on Discord this month:

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

40 shares on Pinterest this month:

No one talks about the horrific event of meeting someone who is exactly your type.

57 shares on Twitch this month:

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your clothes are still in the washing machine.