They hooked up tubes and sensors, but the doctor still can’t figure out why my kisses are so sweet. They want to hold me overnight and “never let go.”

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Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

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Not really into dating right now, but very into flirting, and that’s where things get complicated.

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The Playstation is broken and the child has noticed that I live here too.

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Ctrl Alt delete my fat.

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Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

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My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

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Some people are living proof that brain failure does not immediately lead to death.

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I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian.

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With certain people, you get nauseous just hearing their name.

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I wish pets lived longer, and life wasn’t so expensive, and cake didn’t make you fat, and people weren’t twats.