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Someone from 🇬🇶 has copied:

People moaning and making noise over food makes me so livid I can’t keep it in.

Someone from 🇹🇻 has viewed:

He was only called Mr. Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

Someone from 🇩🇿 has bookmarked:

I’ve had 50 birthdays in a row without being arrested, which I’d say is an impressive streak!

Someone from 🇬🇾 has downloaded:

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

Someone from 🇹🇼 has shared:

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college. The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

Someone from 🇮🇩 has shared:

Yeah, Instagram is bad for our mental health, but what about Outlook?

Someone from 🇸🇾 has downloaded:

You’re still ragebaiting? Everyone is on vagueposting now. Keep up.

Someone from 🇸🇩 has bookmarked:

Wow, you have a very impressive collection of strange tendencies.

Someone from 🇮🇹 has viewed:

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

Someone from 🇲🇹 has bookmarked:

Asking my landlord if he has any Cyber Monday deals.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on X:

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

Making waves on TikTok:

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

Live now on X:

Let’s skip the getting-to-know-you phase. Just block me.

Seen just now on Threads:

I’m having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by.

Making waves on WeChat:

Wiping my hands on my pants before I’m shaking someone’s hand, so they spend the rest of the day wondering what I just touched.

Spreading quickly via Facebook:

In a parallel universe, there’s a happy me.

Just shared via TikTok:

And then there are those dates after which you think: “Have I really shaved my legs for this?”

Shared recently on X:

For your own sanity, always take mixed signals as a no.

Seen just now on Slack:

Just learned in psychology that when a man goes to sleep first, it’s because he’s comfortable around you and wants you to go through his phone.

Breaking via Discord:

Who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

(to my executioner) I wish we had met before this. You seem cool.

1 week ago

Funny Quotes

Playful quote expressing dark humor about meeting an executioner who seems unexpectedly cool.

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Commentary:
When you really hit it off with someone new but they’ve got career commitments. 😂🔪💔

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21 shares on X this month:

The question is, what will kill humanity this century? Artificial intelligence or natural stupidity?

56 shares on TikTok this month:

If we ever make eye contact, just know I imagined way too much already.

13 shares on WeChat this month:

A McRib killed my tapeworm.

52 shares on X this month:

Ironically jogging pants are mostly worn by the laziest people.

41 shares on Discord this month:

Startup idea: Instagram, but it only shows you posts from people you follow, and they’re in chronological order.

88 shares on Pinterest this month:

A simple “hi” can be the beginning of two years of therapy.

17 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I don’t know what millennial needs to hear this, but throw away the box your phone came in. You don’t need it. You will never need it.

87 shares on X this month:

We need a slur for people who use ChatGPT.

65 shares on Twitch this month:

Calling ahead to the cafe to warn them to “get those beans brewing”.

27 shares on Threads this month:

Would pay $10 a month for Summer Premium Package without wasps.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇦🇹 has viewed:

At the first signs of a sore throat, you should be given the option of just skipping four days into the future.

Someone from 🇫🇲 has copied:

Baby, we believe in God around here, I don’t care what’s trending these days.

Someone from 🇧🇾 has bookmarked:

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter. Me, on fire: WHAT?

Someone from 🇭🇺 has copied:

When animals lead you to a place, it’s so cute… like, yes, I’m still following. Thank you for constantly turning around to make sure.

Someone from 🇲🇰 has downloaded:

Going to the bathroom at night with my flashlight on and a dog next to me feels like I’m gonna solve a mystery.

Someone from 🇰🇳 has copied:

Don’t be coming into my house and causing big spikes of cortisol.

Someone from 🇲🇳 has shared:

My life is simple, I see a queue of more than 6 people, I go home.

Someone from 🇧🇳 has downloaded:

Little do my friends know they’re healing me every time we hang out.

Someone from 🇭🇳 has copied:

I know I just ate a snack, but I could really use a snack.

Someone from 🇧🇦 has downloaded:

Handsome, you better get to the point, my beer buzz is starting to wear off.

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on X:

“I’m not concerned about Netflix buying Warner Brothers. None of this will matter once we evolve gills and start living underwater.”

Seen just now on X:

Twitter is cool because you can figure out what’s going on in the world through memes instead of watching the news.

Trending via WeChat:

My swear jar is filing for an IPO soon.

Spotted on Reddit:

There’s endless songs out there about love and pain and life, but basically only one about the wheels on the bus. Just goes to show you they nailed it the first try.

Seen just now on Threads:

I’m not “dating to marry” or “dating for fun.” I’m dating for a secret third reason.

Live now on Slack:

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a hotel tucked bed sheet.

Spotted on Twitch:

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are.

Spotted on Instagram:

I hope the babies I was born with at the hospital are doing good.

Going viral on Twitch:

How much longer do we have to keep pretending that Pilates isn’t a sex thing?

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Activity Log ✨

(to my executioner) I wish we had met before this. You seem cool.

“Are you seeing someone?” Like a hallucination, therapist, or a guy?

My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking, one cleaning.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption.

When we’re old, the children will use Covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to Boomers with lead. It is fate.

If I had known how much care balcony plants need, I could have stopped taking the pill.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

(to my executioner) I wish we had met before this. You seem cool.

Keep the laugh going 😂

“Are you seeing someone?” Like a hallucination, therapist, or a guy?

My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking, one cleaning.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption.

When we’re old, the children will use Covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to Boomers with lead. It is fate.

Them: You post a lot. What am I supposed to do here – fold laundry on the timeline?

If I had known how much care balcony plants need, I could have stopped taking the pill.

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