When I die, I hope it’s early in the morning, so I don’t have to go to work that day for no reason.

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Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, but in reality it is my husband’s stubborn head.

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If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.

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Whispering to paramedic before I pass out: save me, but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow.

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Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

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Sorry about all the mean stuff I said when I was right.

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Every day is leg day when you’re running from your problems.

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My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

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Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

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Choosing to ignore my strangely symbolic dream because I have a lot going on right now already.

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The pointless tidy-up before a play date.