Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts and photos when someone asks me what I did yesterday.

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My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up, and more to warn the rest of us.

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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

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Who called it a heatwave and not a temperature tantrum?

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All day I think about sleep but when it’s time to go to bed I don’t wanna.

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What makes us human is selecting all images with traffic lights.

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I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure.

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I hate people that talk to their Apple watch. Fake Power Rangers.

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Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay like an octopus on your face.

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I’m just here to make you wish I wasn’t.

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You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet.