Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up on the couch.

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Yeah, Instagram is bad for our mental health, but what about Outlook?

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The ‘E’ in my name stands for ‘Everything you need.’

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Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent.

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What doesn’t kill you will text you in 5 months to ask “What are you doing?”

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If God had known what mankind would turn into, he would have sterilized Adam.

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I’m willing to do anything for a job except write a cover letter.

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Not eating the cookie I’m craving. I better wake up skinny tomorrow.

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I’m always happy when I come home from shopping and the note on the table reminds me of what I wanted to buy.

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It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

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I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”