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Someone from 🇰🇼 has downloaded:

I know it hurts like hell, and you don’t think you can do it, but it’s just one push-up.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has copied:

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods.

Someone from 🇳🇦 has bookmarked:

YOLO because stupid people don’t know what Carpe Diem means.

Someone from 🇯🇵 has shared:

A hot coffee and a crispy bagel doesn’t change anything but it can’t hurt.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has viewed:

Been acting really busy today because I can tell my coworker wants to talk about something in his personal life.

Someone from 🇻🇳 has bookmarked:

At the club asking for Ibuprofen.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has shared:

I’m professionally employed and personally unhinged. Balance.

Someone from 🇰🇲 has copied:

Eating wings is the opposite of flying.

Someone from 🇲🇽 has copied:

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

Someone from 🇪🇹 has downloaded:

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Facebook:

Source? It was revealed to me on my walk.

Live now on Instagram:

Insulting me won’t work. I already said that to myself earlier.

Shared recently on Reddit:

Tired of looking at a bad screen. Can’t wait to get home and look at a good screen.

Going viral on Discord:

I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.

Spotted on YouTube:

It’s so cold, I’m using Chrome instead of Firefox to read the news on my phone, because I need the ads to warm up my phone and hands.

Just shared via WeChat:

Bluesky honestly feels like a miracle where you take the most annoying people in the world and stick them in a broken elevator together.

Spotted on Discord:

It’s cold and dark outside, made me think of you.

Seen just now on Instagram:

It’s never too early to start making bad decisions.

Making waves on TikTok:

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

Just landed via TikTok:

I call my period Shark week. I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere.

Before you send that email, ask yourself: is this a December problem or a January problem?

6 days ago

Funny Quotes

Witty quote about email dilemmas, highlighting holiday-related timing issues humorously.

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Commentary:
Trying to spend more time watching holiday movies than putting out work fires; January me can handle it! 🎄🔥✉️

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18 shares on Threads this month:

Vote for me and I will halve the calories in chocolate.

54 shares on Twitch this month:

Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies?

46 shares on Threads this month:

My superpower? Staying calm when talking to idiots.

21 shares on Discord this month:

Liking sports is great because you’ll have a bad day, then here your team comes to make it worse.

76 shares on Discord this month:

Why do babies stare at you like they know you from somewhere?

70 shares on YouTube this month:

Oh, you’re in a situationship? Are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self-worth?

19 shares on Reddit this month:

When is someone actually going to change the surprise in the avocado? This hard core is kind of a stupid toy.

52 shares on WhatsApp this month:

All the best memories with my dad start with “Don’t tell your mom about this.”

76 shares on Pinterest this month:

If you don’t have dating allegations with your best friend, you are not bestfriending hard enough.

52 shares on TikTok this month:

If Britain is going to be invaded, can it at least be by the Romans? We desperately need the roads resurfacing.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇾 has shared:

Drugs and alcohol take years off your life and give them to Keith Richards.

Someone from 🇺🇦 has shared:

Thought I would mix things up today and sit in a new spot on my couch. Absolute chaos over here.

Someone from 🇻🇺 has copied:

What no one ever considers is that the kids are pretending to believe in Santa for the sake of the parents.

Someone from 🇨🇾 has viewed:

When the moon hits your eye like it’s 5:45, that’s November.

Someone from 🇧🇧 has bookmarked:

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right louder.

Someone from 🇳🇬 has shared:

First responders? You mean reply guys?

Someone from 🇦🇱 has downloaded:

I applied for a job and got it, and now I really have to go there. Crap!

Someone from 🇧🇿 has downloaded:

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

Someone from 🇨🇳 has downloaded:

Imagine going to see a situationship in 1868, and you go outside, and your horse is dead as hell.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has copied:

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on TikTok:

Spiraling out of control if anyone wants anything.

Spotted on YouTube:

I got one brain cell left and it moves around my head like a Windows screensaver.

Freshly posted on X:

I’m willing to do anything for a job except write a cover letter.

Spotted on Threads:

Having a crush is so fun, it’s literally just butterflies and delusion.

Freshly posted on Instagram:

Why is the Formula 1 so afraid of rain? Just drive with more caution. That’s what I always do when it rains.

Going viral on Reddit:

Ask your doctor if it’s right for you to eat oranges and pretend they’re planets and you’re a Greek god.

Spotted on Discord:

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

I’m homeless. Minus the ‘m’.

Shared recently on Messenger:

In honor of the last eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

Just landed via Messenger:

It’s the weekend, so naturally, I’m going to spend 48 hours doing nothing, and still be exhausted.

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Activity Log ✨

Before you send that email, ask yourself: is this a December problem or a January problem?

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites, so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me.

They should name a personality disorder after me.

Sorry for the things I said when I thought you weren’t listening.

Dads were right. Walking around with your hands behind your back and looking at everything around with a mild look of disgust and annoyance is so much fun.

Lady just asked me what “mansplaining” is. I think it’s a trap. We’ve been staring at each other in silence for half an hour.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Before you send that email, ask yourself: is this a December problem or a January problem?

Keep the laugh going 😂

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites, so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me.

They should name a personality disorder after me.

Sorry for the things I said when I thought you weren’t listening.

That awkward moment when you’re about to leave work and your boss says “before you go”.

Dads were right. Walking around with your hands behind your back and looking at everything around with a mild look of disgust and annoyance is so much fun.

Lady just asked me what “mansplaining” is. I think it’s a trap. We’ve been staring at each other in silence for half an hour.

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