Every morning I wake up and think I have a hangover, but then I realize I didn’t drink, and this is just how I feel now.

35 shares on Facebook this month:

I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, but nothing worse than being called on the phone.

33 shares on YouTube this month:

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

91 shares on Telegram this month:

Am I the only person who would rather almost fall over carrying the shopping than walk a second time?

15 shares on YouTube this month:

Perhaps the most universal American experience is your mom being like, “Wasn’t he such a good dentist? He’s in prison now.”

91 shares on Snapchat this month:

It’s not ‘drinking alone’ if you’re at work.

56 shares on Reddit this month:

Just call me Mother Nature because I can go from hot to cold in a 24-hour period, too.

95 shares on Messenger this month:

I know it’s bad, and you’ve got to shut it down right away, but is there anything more hilarious than a swearing toddler?

49 shares on LinkedIn this month:

By accepting their pardons, the turkeys are admitting guilt.

14 shares on YouTube this month:

There are two types of people: Those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life.

29 shares on LinkedIn this month:

A single garbageman contributes more to society before lunch than every crypto trader and op-ed writer combined does in their lifetime.