First date idea: we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died.

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Single for Christmas, but at least I won’t be buying presents for a liar.

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He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.

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I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs.

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Every time a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of wings on the front porch to show them what I’m capable of.

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Starting a new life today, bye.

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Have a good weekend, unless you have other plans.

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My girlfriend wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist because he already knows what’s wrong with her.