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6 months ago
Share →: Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

Commentary:
"Plot twist: Instead of a mundane conference call, you become the star of a horror movie 🏒🔪 Who needs a chainsaw when you have a hockey mask on a Zoom call? Happy Friday the 13th, the sequel we never saw coming! 😂 #HockeyMaskChic"

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Someone from 🇩🇿 has viewed:

Whoever said having a crush is when you feel the most like Carrie Bradshaw was so real for that.

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“Are you sexually active?” Dude, I’m not even socially active.

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You can be anything. Be the person who ends the meeting early.

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Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap.

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If you see this, straighten your back, you banana-shaped mess.

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Had calamari for the first time ever, and it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I’ll try marriage next.

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According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

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You don’t have to be crazy to be friends with me. I also train people.

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My New Year’s resolution will be to stop chasing waterfalls, and stick to the rivers and the lakes that I’m used to.

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Do people who love escape rooms not know about IKEA?

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Shared recently on TikTok:

I read classics because my FOMO is making me want to understand every reference ever.

Reported on Instagram:

Home is where you’ve left the shopping list.

Breaking via Facebook:

Men used to smoke Marlboros. Now they cry when they lose their strawberry cheesecake vape.

Just landed via Instagram:

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen”, I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”.

Going viral on Facebook:

And where did Mr. Pepper receive his degree from exactly?

Going viral on Discord:

God: “I don’t regret the Flood, but I do regret the Ark.”

Just landed via Instagram:

New year update: losing everything but weight.

Broadcasted on Twitch:

Notifications are a reminder that you exist.

Shared recently on Messenger:

Nothing worse than realising you vented to the wrong person.

Live now on Threads:

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

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Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight, just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

What if AirPods had tongues and they started licking the inside of your ears to indicate they’re low on battery?

The sexual tension between me and a late afternoon coffee to get me through the workday.

I like my music at a volume where I can’t hear you.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers. The Times are rough.

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One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re searching “Thanksgiving recipes that won’t cause heartburn.”

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

If you have an old house, but you haven’t got a ghost, you should complain to the estate agent.

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a sabbatical was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

The world would be a better place if mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

The number of times I stand in a room, staring because I forgot why I walked in there, is embarrassingly high.

If you respond to emails and Teams messages quickly, you can get away with basically anything at work.

That “never again” talk with yourself after a certain experience is always funny.

I hope my email finds you enraged.

Every day when I get home, I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts.

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for.

Cleaned the bathroom window. Wasn’t frosted glass at all.

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