Getting a wife is very powerful, because you get a personal psychic that will tell you things like, “Your keys are in the gray pants in the hamper,” and “He will ultimately betray you.”

40 shares on Messenger this month:

I wasn’t sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and shit myself.

25 shares on Telegram this month:

I can’t think of a single email that has ever found me well.

65 shares on Snapchat this month:

11 out of 10 women are always right.

89 shares on Reddit this month:

Mood to play music louder than my thoughts.

88 shares on YouTube this month:

I tried explaining crypto to my nine-year-old, and she said, “It sounds like someone is trying to sell you their imaginary friend.”

54 shares on Pinterest this month:

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

88 shares on LinkedIn this month:

If someone asks why you’re so pale, simply reply, completely shocked, “You can see me?”

73 shares on Discord this month:

Anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

65 shares on Twitch this month:

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

53 shares on Instagram this month:

You wake up at 6 a.m. and it’s like you have 48 hours instead of 24.