I don’t want to sound controversial, but having Monday off is great. We should do this every week.

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The highlight of my weekends is slipping into something more comfortable and putting my feet up.

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Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens. They’re calling it the Apollo G.

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To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news.

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ASAP can also mean as slow as possible.

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Planking is the only time we appreciate time.

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Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

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There’s no sadder tableau in all of humanity than the smoker’s terrarium at the airport.

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“You’re so chill.” Thanks, I gave up.

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My age no longer permits me to suffer for love, so if you see me sad, it’s due to lack of money.

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20s: LOL! 30s: OMG! 40s: WTF!