I don’t want to sound controversial, but having Monday off is great. We should do this every week.

17 shares on Twitch this month:

Got the zoomies at work, and now HR is chasing me around with a butterfly net.

73 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Living with a dog is 90% following each other around, watching each other go potty, and wondering what the other has in their mouth.

65 shares on Snapchat this month:

Sex is cool and all, but have you ever tried obsessing over a mediocre person who’s just not that into you.

91 shares on Threads this month:

Hey, people, my age. Remember going into the computer lab at school?

64 shares on Instagram this month:

Don’t tell me what to do unless you are naked.

34 shares on Snapchat this month:

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym.

93 shares on Instagram this month:

Hey (with the intention of going to sleep).

65 shares on Twitch this month:

Situationships are just you pretending you’re okay with getting used until they find someone they actually like.

53 shares on Telegram this month:

The urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive. Bro, like, chill we’re getting there. Don’t threaten to come out.

95 shares on YouTube this month:

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.