I have no use for mean people. I’ll walk right past you like you’re furniture.

83 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Later is the best time to do anything.

28 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I am very depressed and in a really bad mood. Perhaps it will get better if I sit inside on a beautiful day and dwell compulsively.

70 shares on Instagram this month:

I will unfriend, uncousin, unco-worker, unfollow, unfamily any draining soul real quick.

47 shares on Messenger this month:

If you need me, I’ll be in the shower pretending I can sing.

16 shares on YouTube this month:

Being old is basically trying to figure out what part of the body the noise is coming from, and why.

14 shares on WeChat this month:

(british guy unhooking your bra) All right, what’s all this, then?

33 shares on Threads this month:

Always remember you’re someone’s reason to smile. Because you’re a joke.

68 shares on WeChat this month:

If you don’t realize that you’re a werewolf, then you’re actually an unawarewolf.

31 shares on Instagram this month:

I feel bad for Slash. He bought a goofy hat in like 1986 and now he has to wear it until the day he dies.

79 shares on Snapchat this month:

God: “You can’t just say ‘Goddammit!’ and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.”