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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇷🇺 has shared:

I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.

Someone from 🇹🇭 has copied:

My ex texted me saying, “Hey, I miss you,” so I replied, “Sorry, I have zero bars — the past doesn’t have good reception.”

Someone from 🇯🇲 has shared:

I hope this email makes you quit your job.

Someone from 🇯🇵 has bookmarked:

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park, but it’s just really hard to find thirty-two of them willing to do it.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has bookmarked:

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

Someone from 🇳🇦 has copied:

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece.

Someone from 🇱🇧 has viewed:

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

Someone from 🇩🇴 has viewed:

What happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again.

Someone from 🇱🇷 has downloaded:

How great is it to do absolutely nothing and follow it up by taking a rest.

Someone from 🇮🇩 has copied:

I say “long story short” and then tell the story with bonus features.

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15,752

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Updated

Jan 20, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Telegram:

Ah yes, my abandonment issues due to all the abandonment.

Spotted on Instagram:

I’m pretty sure emojis were invented so introverts don’t have to say anything to anyone.

Shared recently on Twitch:

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

Broadcasted on Slack:

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas. Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

Seen just now on Threads:

I will play my favorite song until the artist comes out of my phone to ask for water.

Going bananas on Discord:

Got my dog microchipped, so if he runs away, I can just press a button, and he’ll explode.

Seen just now on WeChat:

How coked up was the guy that came up with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

Breaking via Messenger:

Teaching myself ukulele! Neighbor keeping the beat on my wall!

Making waves on Discord:

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

If anything goes wrong today, just dramatically whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled,” and walk away.

2 months ago

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Commentary:
"When the printer jams again: 🤫🔮 'The prophecy has been fulfilled,' and exit stage left! 👋😂"

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39 shares on Messenger this month:

Living solo: where pants are optional, and snacks are unlimited.

55 shares on LinkedIn this month:

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

59 shares on Messenger this month:

My toxic trait is when I’m bored, I start looking for flights to book.

81 shares on Facebook this month:

“The engine light is on!” Yeah, that means it’s working.

14 shares on Facebook this month:

For someone who is afraid of failure, I’m very unmotivated.

46 shares on X this month:

Why do I gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship.

41 shares on WeChat this month:

Ah, the magical land of Monday—the gift that keeps not giving!

78 shares on Threads this month:

Did I eat too much candy today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

32 shares on Reddit this month:

Sleep with each other, or someone else will!

95 shares on Pinterest this month:

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇦🇹 has downloaded:

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you’re an expert on my life and how I should live it! Please continue while I take notes.

Someone from 🇳🇷 has copied:

I do not like FaceTime unless we’re best friends or I’m in love with you.

Someone from 🇭🇳 has shared:

Thanks to AI, some of us went from being told by our parents not to trust the internet to having to tell our parents not to trust the internet.

Someone from 🇵🇹 has bookmarked:

Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has downloaded:

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

Someone from 🇰🇭 has downloaded:

For whom the doom scrolls!

Someone from 🇨🇱 has bookmarked:

Maybe aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Someone from 🇪🇬 has downloaded:

The word ‘stan’ comes from the Eminem song “Stan” which is about one of his obsessed fans. What if Eminem named the fan ‘Dennis’? We could be saying, “I dennis Beyonce.”

Someone from 🇧🇧 has shared:

Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone?

Someone from 🇹🇯 has copied:

I’m scared to go to an art museum, because what if they decide to keep me?

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on Twitch:

Robots eating a bowl of cereal that’s actually a bunch of nuts and bolts, you don’t see that as much anymore.

Trending via Pinterest:

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

Just shared via WhatsApp:

I’m a red flag, but the material is quality.

Freshly posted on Twitch:

Common sense is so rare these days that it should be considered a superpower.

Just shared via Facebook:

If anything goes wrong today, just dramatically whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled,” and walk away.

Trending via YouTube:

Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.

Shared recently on Messenger:

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for.

Broadcasted on Slack:

All I’ve ever wanted is to look good naked, hope that someone can take it.

Just landed via Snapchat:

Have you ever noticed that when you step on someone’s foot, they open their mouth? It’s like a folding trash can.

Spotted on Pinterest:

Vanilla perfumes are so nice. It’s like walking into a bakery but you are the bakery.

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If anything goes wrong today, just dramatically whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled,” and walk away.

“Why don’t you tell us anything anymore?” I’ve updated my privacy policy.

Showing up late with an iced coffee is not about poor time management, it’s about knowing how to make an entrance.

I think there’s a size limit on engagement rings before they look tacky, to me.

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn.

Can someone please help me, I’m still at the Fyre Festival.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

If anything goes wrong today, just dramatically whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled,” and walk away.

Keep the laugh going 😂

“Why don’t you tell us anything anymore?” I’ve updated my privacy policy.

Showing up late with an iced coffee is not about poor time management, it’s about knowing how to make an entrance.

I think there’s a size limit on engagement rings before they look tacky, to me.

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn.

Can someone please help me, I’m still at the Fyre Festival.

Keep posting, I’m diagnosing you.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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