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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇮🇳 has downloaded:

It’s hard dating someone who has been single for a long time. Any slight inconvenience, and they’ll crawl back into their peaceful abode. No stress.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has viewed:

You know you’re really stressed when you start getting on your own nerves.

Someone from 🇪🇹 has bookmarked:

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ’Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

Someone from 🇧🇮 has downloaded:

Since I stopped texting first, I haven’t heard from a lot of people in a while.

Someone from 🇸🇳 has bookmarked:

A simple “hi” can be the beginning of two years of therapy.

Someone from 🇻🇨 has shared:

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

Someone from 🇲🇱 has viewed:

The world contains protons, neutrons, electrons, and morons.

Someone from 🇪🇹 has viewed:

I’m already far too stressed as it is. And then you also have to have time to just sit there and do nothing.

Someone from 🇮🇹 has bookmarked:

Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

Someone from 🇬🇳 has viewed:

No one suddenly needs anything more than a kid whose mom has just sat down and gotten comfortable.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via LinkedIn:

Imagine playing Truth or Dare and they dare you to go home.

Spotted on X:

Find someone who cares about you as much as Gmail cares about new devices signing into your account.

Going viral on Slack:

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

Spotted on Slack:

I used to think that the older you get, the wiser and more self-confident you become. I now know that you just get tired more quickly.

Just landed via Twitch:

Who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies?

Live now on X:

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

Live now on Instagram:

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers.

Going bananas on Pinterest:

My toddler asked if we could go to the zoo today, and I said, “I can’t see that happening.” Then she literally left the room and came back with my glasses.

Seen just now on Facebook:

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately knows what to do.

Spreading quickly via WhatsApp:

A haunted house, but it’s just you inside your own head.

I’m still repaying karmic debt from that time I was 12 and gave the middle finger to a cow at the state fair.

6 days ago

Funny Quotes

Humorous text about karma and childhood mischief at a state fair.

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Commentary:
Still trying to tip the scales with good deeds so that cow doesn't come back in my next life 🐄✌️😅

12, animal, childhood, cow, debt, fair, finger, funny memory, gesture, humor, i, karmic, karmic debt, memory, middle, middle finger, state, state fair, still, time

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58 shares on Discord this month:

When I’m behind a slow car, I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see that it isn’t my fault.

16 shares on X this month:

I forgot to turn my clocks back and, oh my God, you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

74 shares on Twitch this month:

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

37 shares on WhatsApp this month:

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

24 shares on LinkedIn this month:

This generation of men makes celibacy so easy for women.

62 shares on Snapchat this month:

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles. “Oh hey, Qdilrox sounds good.”

71 shares on Telegram this month:

Hit the vape till it tastes like technology.

42 shares on TikTok this month:

If anything I post makes you mad, just know that it pleases me.

58 shares on Snapchat this month:

Birthday sex is having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

58 shares on TikTok this month:

I hate when I turn off my brights for an incoming vehicle and then realize it’s a Cybertruck.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇦🇺 has copied:

“Autophagy” would be a beautiful name for a girl.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has viewed:

I’m delusional but self-aware, I call that Delaware.

Someone from 🇱🇾 has viewed:

I prefer to use deodorant immediately after shaving my armpits so that I can feel that I’m still alive.

Someone from 🇨🇿 has downloaded:

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to.”

Someone from 🇸🇧 has shared:

Don’t scare me, I fart easily.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has copied:

Hot girls have a private Instagram account with 20 followers.

Someone from 🇻🇨 has shared:

I have never seen a sad person sliding down a water slide.

Someone from 🇵🇼 has shared:

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

Someone from 🇸🇹 has downloaded:

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

Someone from 🇬🇳 has copied:

Don’t be ashamed to fart while you urinate, cause there is no rain without thunder.

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on Snapchat:

The iPhone alarm is so effective that you wake up before it goes off, so you don’t have to listen to such an unbearable noise.

Spreading quickly via Pinterest:

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

Just shared via Threads:

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed.

Seen just now on Messenger:

I’m so embarrassed by the paragraphs I used to send expressing my feelings.

Making waves on Telegram:

After I get irritated, it takes me about 2 hours to fix my face.

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

You spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”.

Freshly posted on Discord:

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one-night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

Breaking via Threads:

I believe the IRS is days away from having a nuclear weapon.

Seen just now on Instagram:

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

Seen just now on Facebook:

I prefer to use deodorant immediately after shaving my armpits so that I can feel that I’m still alive.

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

I’m still repaying karmic debt from that time I was 12 and gave the middle finger to a cow at the state fair.

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza. When do they kick in?

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So, in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Oh, to be a rich, beautiful woman in her big car, driving to buy overpriced groceries to stock up her breathtaking kitchen in her gorgeous house.

Turning in bad essays to professors you have a personal relationship with is the most humiliating thing ever.

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

I’m still repaying karmic debt from that time I was 12 and gave the middle finger to a cow at the state fair.

Keep the laugh going 😂

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza. When do they kick in?

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So, in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Oh, to be a rich, beautiful woman in her big car, driving to buy overpriced groceries to stock up her breathtaking kitchen in her gorgeous house.

Turning in bad essays to professors you have a personal relationship with is the most humiliating thing ever.

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨