My friends put their kid to bed and then made us ice cream sundaes, which is exactly what I assumed was happening when my parents put me to bed.

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“Life is a marathon, not a sprint.” Cool, I dislike both of those things.

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You are depressed because your ancestors fought, danced, and ate meals together, and you eat alone in the dark while staring at a glowing rectangle.

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Got sent to HR for calling someone a “jellyfish” — just floating around all day, doing absolutely nothing.

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They lie on the job descriptions, so lie on your resume.

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I’ve got 99 problems. I know this because I wake up in the middle of the night to review each and every one of them in great detail.

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So, does anyone know how to end mass religious psychosis, or is it just a thing now until we slowly die off from climate-induced disasters?

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Hot singles in your area! They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

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My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

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Might start signing off emails with, “But what do I know.”