My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

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I have so much planned today that I was already tired thinking of it yesterday.

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The cool thing about Twitter is you’re never the craziest one.

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People call me a “Trekkie,” but I’m not. I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times.

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I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

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When I finally snap it’ll be because I had to type my email address in on the TV.

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The sole purpose of your child’s middle name… is so they know when they’re really in trouble.

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Gonna start an app for cat sitters where they can review the cats they take care of and it’ll be called Litterboxd.

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I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off.

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Why is everyone so chill about parrots being able to talk? That’s a whole animal. Talking.

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I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me.