“November Rain” is just 9 minutes of me realizing I’m too dramatic to date someone with healthy coping skills.

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My big 3? Yapping, napping & snacking!

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Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

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Imagine hating me, and I’m just over here eating Nutella from the jar with a spoon.

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The most dangerous drinking game I play, is seeing how long I can go without coffee.

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Anybody else not stopped farting this evening? Asking for a friend.

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You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

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Cleaning your glasses is like changing from 360p to 1080p.