Thank you for your password, now we are going to text you another password, then put that one in. Click ‘remember this computer’ so we can forget it. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Ask your doctor if it’s right for you to eat oranges and pretend they’re planets and you’re a Greek god. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Are you there, bathroom walls, ceiling, floor, mirror, sink, and towels? It’s me, the kids toothpaste. Posted onMay 25, 2026
If you say “awesome sauce” on a first date, you’ll still have that lucky condom in your wallet tomorrow. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Sometimes I see how many vacations people take and I wonder if I’m bad with money or if they are. Posted onMay 25, 2026
If you scroll Twitter long enough, you too can burn calories by shaking your head. Posted onMay 25, 2026
If there was an award for staying at home, I’d win and then send someone else to pick it up for me. Posted onMay 25, 2026
My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty. I said because she is a pessimist. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I am never hungrier than when I leave the dentist and told I can’t eat right away. Posted onMay 25, 2026
At this point, if you buy Tesla, everyone is just going to assume you are a loser. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I’m pretty sure I fall under the percentage of people who’ve eaten the sticker on the apple. Posted onMay 25, 2026
If I was in Jaws, instead of wishing for a bigger boat, I probably would have just asked for a smaller shark. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Date idea: you hold my hand while I call the dentist and you tell me I’m so brave. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Imagine hating me and I’m just over here trying to remember how to spell “definitely”. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I have tasted employment, I have tasted joblessness and I recommend generational wealth guys. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I’m a simple person. All I need in life to be happy is to have everything go my way and work out how I want it to. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Kinda sucks that the prize for washing your laundry is getting to fold your laundry. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Strangers vomiting their beliefs all over you every day is not good for the soul. Posted onMay 25, 2026
It’s time I admit something: Sometimes, when I say good night, I don’t actually go to bed right away. Posted onMay 25, 2026