Saturday Night Fever, but it’s just me yelling, “Five, six, seven, eight!” while my cat lies down and refuses to participate.

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Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat.

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There needs to be a separate grocery store for people who actually know what they’re doing.

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Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour.

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Imagine thinking you have any clue what’s going on.

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Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down.

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Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

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When the Beatles say, “Come together, right now, over me,” what was that about? Why did they say that?

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I no longer dislike Mondays, I’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

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Moms will vacuum the ceiling, alphabetize the spice rack, reorganize your socks, then say, “No one helps me around here!”

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I have a condition that prevents me from dieting. It’s called being hungry.