Starting your day with an early morning run is a great way to make sure your day can’t get any worse than it started.

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Caesar, looking shocked: “Is it bring your knife to work day or something?”

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Hey, I noticed you’re not saying what I want.

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Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

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Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though.

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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

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“You look tired”. No, I’m just ugly.

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My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week.

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Airports are so funny. Like, “Oh, you’re flying across the country? Would you like to hang out in a mall first?”

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If a ham is allowed to spiral then so am I.

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I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the house, no exceptions.