The earlier you wake up, the more time you have to think about why you wish you were still asleep in bed.

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Coffee is just goth water.

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If you’re feeling lonely, start a small business. Then you’ll have a little company.

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A beautiful woman should never have to send an email. Yet, such tragedies occur every day.

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God, please — if you don’t want someone to love me, at least make me a millionaire.

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So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner.

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The season is back when women are 80% scarf.

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Does anyone know if there’s a career in being a piece of shit?

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Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead.

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I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door because I’m not a liar.

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No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.