When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat, like I’m a blackjack dealer.

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If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer stuff.

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Remember before social media you would have to pick up the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon?

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Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit.

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Shout-out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my Speedo.

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Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long. Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long.

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Being abducted by aliens could be just the vacation I need right now.

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I thought Game of Thrones was a pooping contest for men.

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I’m at that age where someone can call me the wrong name and I’m just like “whatever, I’ll be Dan for a minute”.

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My girlfriend? You wouldn’t know her, she’s in a different data center.

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I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.