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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇹🇯 has copied:

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

Someone from 🇲🇨 has copied:

Your fingers have fingertips, but your toes don’t have toetips. Yet, you can tiptoe but not tipfinger.

Someone from 🇮🇹 has copied:

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

Someone from 🇪🇬 has bookmarked:

Not gonna lie, the age I’m turning this year sounds a little serious, and I don’t like it.

Someone from 🇯🇲 has copied:

The reason I stay up late is because I don’t want my free time to end and tomorrow to start.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has bookmarked:

In a parallel universe, there’s a happy me.

Someone from 🇹🇿 has bookmarked:

I am staying up till a million o’clock tonight.

Someone from 🇮🇳 has copied:

Sorry, I liked your post one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012.

Someone from 🇺🇿 has viewed:

Job interview: Where do you see yourself in five years? Me: Hopefully on a sabbatical.

Someone from 🇸🇴 has downloaded:

I don’t need therapy. I need everyone who’s ever wronged me to suddenly feel a chill and not know why.

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Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on X:

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

Freshly posted on Instagram:

Facebook friends are like pens. You may have 150, but only 5 are writing.

Spotted on WeChat:

You should be allowed to leave work early if you miss your wife enough.

Shared recently on Instagram:

Maybe in another life, I’m a spoiled nepo baby — jobless and doing nothing but shopping all day with my equally nepotised friends.

Spreading quickly via Twitch:

Proverbs are so mean. Like, I don’t deserve any worm because I woke up at 11am? Like, no worm at all?

Just landed via Snapchat:

Satan: “Would you please stop sacrificing animals to me. I’m not running a zoo down here.”

Just shared via Twitch:

You know you’re old when you you barely do anything all day, but still need a nap to continue doing barely anything.

Breaking via Snapchat:

I could win awards for having a bad memory. In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

Just shared via Telegram:

That moment when you’ve gone through Insta, Facebook, X and the new emails and you know you should start working now. Luckily, there’s YouTube.

Just shared via Facebook:

I’ll never be badass enough to walk around chewing on a toothpick.

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this DM finds you well.

4 weeks ago

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Commentary:
"Taking 'sliding into DMs' to a whole new level of sophistication! 😂📬 #DMKing"

communication, DM, DMs, dominance, finds, hope, humor, i, interaction, message, online, private, sarcasm, social, social interaction, starting, texting, well

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Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇪🇬 has copied:

Roses are red, I’m staying in bed. I’ve made no plans, besides pretending I’m dead.

Someone from 🇹🇹 has bookmarked:

I need like twelve incomes for this lifestyle I have in my head.

Someone from 🇹🇹 has bookmarked:

I love when I clean my whole apartment just to sit in it like a Victorian widow waiting for bad news.

Someone from 🇿🇼 has downloaded:

I feel sorry for Netflix era kids. They will never know the high stakes adrenaline of running away in an ad break, with the beckoning call of a sibling screaming “It’s ON!” to send you hurdling over furniture to get back in time.

Someone from 🇵🇬 has copied:

They monitor me harder than Britney Spears around here.

Someone from 🇰🇿 has bookmarked:

One day you’re young and carefree and the next, you’re preheating the bathroom before you go in for a shower.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has viewed:

My idea of fun is watching something on the TV while I look at relevant Wikipedia articles on my phone.

Someone from 🇪🇬 has copied:

I highly recommend having hobbies. It distracts you from things like falling in love.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has viewed:

Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

Someone from 🇵🇹 has downloaded:

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

Social Media Log 💫

Reported on WeChat:

She’s got style. She’s got grace. She dropped her cellphone on her face. She’s a lady.

Freshly posted on Messenger:

Due to foreseen circumstances well within my control I will be late.

Trending via Slack:

I fear one day I’ll see one of my posts marked as an “Exhibit A”

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

I changed my alarm clock sound to an applause, it’s the least I deserve for waking up at 7am.

Making waves on Slack:

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”.

Just landed via Messenger:

Having an empty laundry basket is the best 5 seconds of my life.

Freshly posted on Snapchat:

If you ever get a chance to date a cute person for one day, where will you take me?

Live now on Snapchat:

Ex’s be like “I gave you everything”. Yeah, trust issues.

Shared recently on Instagram:

My brain says “Let’s do something exciting today” but my body says “Don’t listen to that fool.”

Seen just now on Reddit:

“You shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter”, my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to.

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Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this DM finds you well.

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Trending Funny Quotes 📈

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

When your parents are on a call and they ask for a pen, man, that pressure is real.

I’m not exaggerating when I say, if I ever clogged a toilet at work, I would immediately quit, change my name, and then move to a different city.

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Ancient Egyptians used to worship cats and write on walls, a practice we still continue to do today on the Internet.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door because I’m not a liar.

Shout-out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my Speedo.

I totally get why Leonardo DiCaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations. They could be his girlfriend.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

When you want to feel at your thinnest, walk through Walmart at any time of day.

Sorry for bouncing my leg. I’m not allowed to bash my head into the walls anymore.

Me (young, naive): “I hope something good happens.” Me (now): “I hope whatever bad happens is at least funny.”

The idea that the zombies in the 28 Days series exist entirely in Britain is genuinely hilarious. The rest of the world saw that and was like, “Yeah, they can handle it on their own.”

I’m convinced a lot of people online are communicating from prison.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Self-cleaning conscience.

“Made with love,” means I licked the spoon and kept using it.

Dear food, either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking.

I just need to get over everything that has happened to me in my entire life and then we can hang out.

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Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this DM finds you well.

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