Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

Someone from 🇦🇺 has downloaded:

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

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Out of all my body parts, I’m sure my eyes are in the best shape. I do at least 463 eye rolls a day.

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I’m not an idiot anymore, universe, please stop with the lessons.

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People are too casual about the fact that parrots can talk.

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If I was a weather man, I’d leak the weather early to pretty women.

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Love when plans get canceled. It’s like getting a snow day as an adult.

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Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler.

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The prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister.

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Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

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Getting paid 26 times in 365 days is not my destiny.