I feel like I’m in season 5 of my life, and the writers are just making ridiculous shit happen to keep it interesting.

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No HR complaint formed against me shall prosper.

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If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur.

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The dumbest people have the loudest opinions on politics.

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Relationship tip: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

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Our neighbor complained that our cat is always running through his garden. My father said: “Okay, I’ll tell her.”

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A Southerner dies every time you people type “ya’ll” instead of “y’all,” btw.

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Sometimes I do something completely out of character, like say no to a slice of pizza, or trust someone.