I’m not exaggerating when I say, if I ever clogged a toilet at work, I would immediately quit, change my name, and then move to a different city.

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I don’t hate you, I just don’t want to see you alive.

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Men with bibles names be the worst type of people.

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He had the nerve to call me pretty. I’m gorgeous.

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I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

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I never judge a book by its cover. People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

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I always work very hard and intensively to ensure that my wife can proudly say: “That idiot over there? Yes, that’s mine!”

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I lied, there’s no sex. Can you tell me a bedtime story?