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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇼🇸 has downloaded:

You could be having a nice day and then somebody your own age says they bought a house.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has downloaded:

Restaurants: put your phone down, live in the moment. Also, scan our QR code and browse our menu.

Someone from 🇦🇿 has downloaded:

Polar bears drinking Coca Cola is my favorite holiday vibe.

Someone from 🇶🇦 has bookmarked:

As a kid, I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how someone could talk if they didn’t have a brain. Then I got social media.

Someone from 🇺🇬 has viewed:

Dollar Tree needs to just go ahead and rename it to A Couple Dollars.

Someone from 🇦🇹 has viewed:

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

Someone from 🇮🇹 has downloaded:

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are, I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

Someone from 🇳🇦 has shared:

Kids are like pancakes. The first one is always a bit strange.

Someone from 🇰🇮 has copied:

I’m just impressed by how ugly I’m willing to look in public these day.

Someone from 🇶🇦 has viewed:

RIP to everyone killed by the Gods for their hubris, but I’m different. And better. Maybe even better than the Gods.

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15,752

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17,765

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15,752

Updated

Jan 20, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Pinterest:

Curious that talented athletes frequently credit God when they win, but we rarely see them blame God when they lose.

Going viral on WhatsApp:

Shaved my bush and went down a pants size.

Spreading quickly via Instagram:

(to the boys in the yard) I hope you brought your own milkshake.

Just shared via Twitch:

No revenge, but I hope you stutter every time you try to dirty talk with someone.

Shared recently on Messenger:

Baby, we believe in God around here, I don’t care what’s trending these days.

Seen just now on Telegram:

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

Shared recently on X:

Heard a recording of my own voice, and now I can never speak again.

Making waves on Snapchat:

Sometimes I delay my haircut intentionally to look rugged just to make that glow-up more iconic.

Spreading quickly via Threads:

When I feel stupid, I like to remind myself that I got my bachelor’s degree without ChatGPT.

Live now on YouTube:

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him.

I’ve reached the age where I would rather go to a hardware store than a club.

2 months ago

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Commentary:
Too true! Nothing like dancing through the aisles of the hardware store, groovin’ to the sound of hammers and wrenches 🕺🔨😄

activity, age, aging, club, hardware, hardware store, humor, i, lifestyle, preference, social, social activity, store, where

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85 shares on Facebook this month:

I don’t just hold a grudge; I love it, pet it, feed it and take it for long walks on the beach.

50 shares on Snapchat this month:

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

59 shares on Telegram this month:

Let the example of my fluke success guide nearly all of you to crushing disappointment.

26 shares on Snapchat this month:

Maybe one day a street will be named after me. Or a school. Or a mental hospital.

76 shares on Twitch this month:

Whoever salts the fries at McDonald’s needs to come do the roads.

30 shares on Facebook this month:

Coffee should just be free for anybody over 30.

67 shares on YouTube this month:

Everyone hates drama, yet somehow the tabloids remain in business.

93 shares on X this month:

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

100 shares on Threads this month:

Genuinely nothing worse than going bowling with people who are actually good. Like, why are you doing all that?

99 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇳🇵 has copied:

I’m old enough to remember when the hole in the ozone layer killed us all off.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has downloaded:

Welcome to your 50s, where coffee is the new happy hour and mornings are the new hangover.

Someone from 🇬🇾 has copied:

Sorry, boss, I can’t come in to work today, I’m gonna be playing outside.

Someone from 🇨🇳 has viewed:

Marriage is 33.3% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

Someone from 🇧🇩 has viewed:

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just Catholicism.

Someone from 🇷🇴 has shared:

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my oven.

Someone from 🇬🇭 has viewed:

Autocorrect has become our worst enema.

Someone from 🇧🇿 has shared:

Ghosting is disrespectful unless it’s me doing it.

Someone from 🇸🇮 has viewed:

Nothing is funnier than seeing how angry someone gets when they realize they can’t manipulate you.

Someone from 🇪🇹 has downloaded:

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on WeChat:

At the plastic surgeon: Please, Doc, help me. My Barbie doll has appendicitis.

Shared recently on Snapchat:

The biggest lesson employment has taught me is that efficient workers get punished with more work.

Breaking via X:

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

Just shared via Pinterest:

“You don’t look 40.” How am I supposed to look?

Freshly posted on X:

If I were a bird, you’d be the first person I’d shit on.

Shared recently on Messenger:

Imagine she’s home alone, bored out of her mind, and she STILL won’t put that laundry away. She is me.

Just shared via Messenger:

My showers take so long because I always hold a shower concert.

Going viral on WeChat:

It’s funny how cats have ears on top of their head, but don’t use them.

Making waves on Messenger:

I love Queen and David Bowie, but why did they steal that riff from Vanilla Ice?

Shared recently on Snapchat:

“I’ve had cigarettes that were better than entire years of my life.”

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Activity Log ✨

I’ve reached the age where I would rather go to a hardware store than a club.

Don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers, but okay.

My superpower is always picking the line at the grocery store that moves the slowest.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

It’s officially Christmas shopping season, and I can’t even afford my own life.

One thing about me is I don’t even need to get drunk to act a fool.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

I’ve reached the age where I would rather go to a hardware store than a club.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers, but okay.

My superpower is always picking the line at the grocery store that moves the slowest.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

It’s officially Christmas shopping season, and I can’t even afford my own life.

One thing about me is I don’t even need to get drunk to act a fool.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨