Me, on New Year’s Eve: I think instead of kissing at midnight, I’m just going to go outside and scream.

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Halloween is over and most people just keep on being creepy.

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If alcohol damages your short-term memory, imagine what alcohol can do.

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If you drink enough, any bar can be a karaoke bar.

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If a ham is allowed to spiral then so am I.

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When you see a squirrel, you’re bound to say, “Awww, a squirrel!”

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Handyman to customer: If I had wanted you to watch me work, I would have become an actor.

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When you accidentally laugh at your own thoughts, and now people are staring.

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Might quit my job to focus on summer.

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I do believe in aliens, but do they also believe in me?

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The prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister.