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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇨🇴 has copied:

Mirror, mirror on the wall, why so many fingerprints?

Someone from 🇪🇨 has downloaded:

I think I’m closer to retirement than to a relationship.

Someone from 🇧🇪 has shared:

I become the most financially irresponsible person in the world the second I step into a Japanese stationary store.

Someone from 🇬🇦 has downloaded:

Why do men have birthdays? It’s not like they’re growing up.

Someone from 🇲🇦 has downloaded:

Some people come into your life to remind you why you don’t wanna let anyone into your life.

Someone from 🇨🇻 has bookmarked:

Cars should come with a secondary smaller “sorry” horn for when you do something a lil silly by accident.

Someone from 🇿🇦 has viewed:

No, baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

Someone from 🇦🇪 has copied:

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

Someone from 🇸🇳 has copied:

I need someone to convince me into or out of buying a jetski. I can’t keep living in this purgatory.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has bookmarked:

Here’s to a new year of making the same old mistakes, but with far more enthusiasm.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Reddit:

The fatigue is reaching levels that shouldn’t even be possible.

Seen just now on Discord:

At my age, I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

Just shared via Slack:

Pretending you don’t notice people staring at you is a skill.

Making waves on LinkedIn:

Sorry I was late, I was frantically applying to other jobs.

Shared recently on Telegram:

Mood to play music louder than my thoughts.

Freshly posted on Messenger:

Good morning to everyone except the baristas who don’t tighten the lid.

Freshly posted on Pinterest:

One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.

Spotted on Reddit:

After weeks of using an anti aging cream, I can now proudly say: I now have very well-maintained wrinkles.

Going viral on Snapchat:

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind.

Freshly posted on WhatsApp:

Chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe, there is nothing in your drink.”

Not sure what’s longer: a microwave minute or watching a video while someone else is holding the phone, insisting it’s hilarious.

3 weeks ago

Funny Quotes

Witty quote about the relatability of long microwave minutes and shared videos.

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Commentary:
That moment when you're time traveling through eternity using either a microwave minute or someone else's phone theater 😂📱🍿

else, hilarious, holding, humor, longer, microwave, microwave minute, minute, patience, phone, someone, sure, time, video, watching, while

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57 shares on WeChat this month:

The best thing about the internet is that you’re never the dumbest one here.

42 shares on Messenger this month:

“I asked ChatGPT,” “I asked Grok.” Well, I just made some shit up, and people believe me because I’m well read and use big words.

70 shares on LinkedIn this month:

If cats could send Christmas cards, they wouldn’t.

65 shares on LinkedIn this month:

It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.

56 shares on Reddit this month:

I’m so old and have never even met a woman named Jolene. I’d really like to find her, though. She can have my man.

97 shares on YouTube this month:

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

20 shares on Reddit this month:

Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

43 shares on X this month:

I let people skate. I never mention the ice is thin.

50 shares on Facebook this month:

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

88 shares on Twitch this month:

America is truly the best country in the world at not learning from their mistakes.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇷🇸 has shared:

Naps are tricky. Either you wake up relaxed and refreshed, or you have a headache, a dry throat and no idea what year it is.

Someone from 🇸🇴 has viewed:

If I turned into a “teen wolf”, my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships.

Someone from 🇷🇼 has downloaded:

Having a sunburn is so humiliating. Now everyone knows I was unprepared for the realities of the wilderness. It marks me as the weakest link. The hungry animals are closing in.

Someone from 🇰🇼 has downloaded:

I’m putting free wifi on my gravestone, so people will come visit me.

Someone from 🇨🇺 has downloaded:

Beavers are also just otters that have learned carpentry.

Someone from 🇨🇬 has bookmarked:

“You’re always sleeping,” God forbid a woman wants to be unconscious.

Someone from 🇯🇲 has shared:

It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap.

Someone from 🇪🇪 has bookmarked:

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

Someone from 🇷🇺 has shared:

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me. Like wow, okay, pay my mortgage then.

Someone from 🇬🇲 has shared:

Take me down to the Moria city, where the girls are green and the boys are stinky… and even Gandalf said ‘Nope, too freaky!’

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Threads:

Me: what can possibly go wrong though. Anxiety: I’m glad you asked.

Making waves on Threads:

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

Going bananas on Reddit:

Today I choose kindness, but we’ll see, it’s still early.

Spotted on Discord:

Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.

Spreading quickly via WhatsApp:

Diet Coke so crisp I moaned.

Spotted on Reddit:

This can’t be the life I protected with a mask in 2020.

Live now on Telegram:

When they dress up really nice, but all you can think about is the thrill of taking it off.

Going bananas on LinkedIn:

Vaping: When you feel like smoking but don’t want to look cool.

Just landed via YouTube:

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

Just landed via Discord:

“Communism sounds good in theory, but doesn’t work in practice.” Capitalism doesn’t even sound good in theory.

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Activity Log ✨

Not sure what’s longer: a microwave minute or watching a video while someone else is holding the phone, insisting it’s hilarious.

“Those tattoos will make it harder to get a job!” Okay, well so will my personality.

Your pronouns are “side/chick”.

What base is it when he says, “I know you need it badly,” but he’s talking about sleep?

Just did several sets of some bullshit at the gym… no idea which muscles have been targeted.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Not sure what’s longer: a microwave minute or watching a video while someone else is holding the phone, insisting it’s hilarious.

Keep the laugh going 😂

“Those tattoos will make it harder to get a job!” Okay, well so will my personality.

Going out for two days in a row should really be considered an extreme sport.

Your pronouns are “side/chick”.

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

What base is it when he says, “I know you need it badly,” but he’s talking about sleep?

Just did several sets of some bullshit at the gym… no idea which muscles have been targeted.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨