I bet there’s a couple of seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible. Posted onMay 29, 2026
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I bring a sort of “this isn’t actually urgent” vibe to the workplace that managers don’t like. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Microsoft: Before you sign in, we need to send you a code. Also, Microsoft: OMG, was that you that requested a code? Also, Microsoft: OMG, someone just signed in to your account. Posted onMay 29, 2026
As a child, I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Would rather walk around a shop 500 times to find something than ask a member of staff who works there like a normal person. Posted onMay 29, 2026
It seems a little unfair that the people who want to go to bed have to put the people to bed who don’t want to go to bed. Posted onMay 29, 2026
When women get to a certain weight, you’ll notice they change their social media profile pictures to flowers, cats, or dogs. Posted onMay 29, 2026
There’s an unwritten rule: if you need something and it’s available at your mom’s house, it’s yours. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I put my bathroom scale in the corner, and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Cops wake up Christmas morning excited as hell to ignore their family and go sit on the highway with a radar gun for 10 hours. Posted onMay 29, 2026
What no one ever considers is that the kids are pretending to believe in Santa for the sake of the parents. Posted onMay 29, 2026
364 days until Christmas, and people already have decorations up. Unbelievable. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Honey, get in the car. We have to go to the store because we’re retarded, and it’s Christmas Eve. Posted onMay 29, 2026
My mom is asking each ornament, “Where do you want to live?” before putting them on the tree. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Just found out my 84-year-old neighbour is on his own tomorrow, so I’ve just been over to collect his spare chairs to borrow. Posted onMay 29, 2026
My parents told me Santa wasn’t real when I was 16. Jokes on them, because I’m at the mall right now, and guess who’s here. Posted onMay 29, 2026
My favorite Christmas Eve tradition is the one where I tell my kids we have to get the house spotless, or Santa won’t come. Posted onMay 29, 2026
(While my wife opens up her Christmas present) Remember when you said we needed milk? Posted onMay 29, 2026
Before you laugh at kids who believe in Santa, remember there are grown men who believe that Cristiano Ronaldo is a better footballer than Lionel Messi. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Imagine giving someone your heart at Christmas, but the very next day they give it away. Haha, would feel so stupid. Posted onMay 29, 2026
A gentle reminder that if your birth year starts with a 19, you should consider wrapping the Christmas presents on a table, and not on the floor. Posted onMay 29, 2026
“Home Alone” is a holiday reminder that peace begins the moment everyone leaves the house. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Going to McDonald’s to get the Grinch meal, then going to Burger King to get the Spongebob meal. Then disappearing into the forest for twenty years. Posted onMay 29, 2026
December turns me into someone who believes a fat man with a beard can fix everything. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Someone needs to make an app for a Tamagotchi that you keep alive by going offline. Posted onMay 29, 2026