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Sorry, I can’t talk right now. The seam of my sock feels weird.

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I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars, but I think it’s the vodka.

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Just drafted the drunk text I’m going to send after one drink this weekend.

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Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix.

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A lot of y’all don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach.

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Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.

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When I like a woman, I start to gather gifts for her like a squirrel hoarding nuts.

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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Unfortunately, we are in a submarine.

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I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay, because every time I cook it screams at me.

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My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.