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Someone from 🇹🇯 has shared:

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”. Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is really pissed off about something dream me did.

Someone from 🇪🇸 has viewed:

How I clean my room: 1. Start in one corner. 2. Find something from six years ago and stare at it nostalgically for five hours. 3. Go to bed.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has shared:

My body cracks like a glow stick every time I move, but refuses to light up.

Someone from 🇲🇩 has bookmarked:

Some say the world will end in fire. Others say in ice. Coming up next, our expert panel breaks down the arguments for each side…

Someone from 🇩🇪 has copied:

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group.

Someone from 🇪🇸 has shared:

For a long time, I didn’t know what to do with my strange thoughts. Then I signed up for Facebook.

Someone from 🇵🇭 has shared:

It’s almost bed time, so I’ll just check my e-mail, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and watch a season of my favorite show on Netflix real quick.

Someone from 🇫🇯 has bookmarked:

Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

Someone from 🇨🇭 has shared:

If you think my posts are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy.

Someone from 🇵🇬 has viewed:

Someone asked, “Can I bum a scroll?” because they deleted Instagram off their phone.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

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17,765

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15,752

Updated

Jan 20, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via WeChat:

I go to tattoo parlors and trick them into shaving my leg for me, and then leave.

Seen just now on YouTube:

My only addiction is coffee, which is just like crack but is legal and tastes good.

Going viral on YouTube:

Are you okay, babe? You’ve barely moved in mysterious ways recently.

Just landed via Messenger:

It sucks when you realize it’s only Thursday, until you realize it’s Wednesday.

Going viral on Snapchat:

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful.

Going viral on Telegram:

Taking my heart off my sleeve, I fold it up neatly and carefully place it back inside my chest.

Seen just now on Instagram:

My most boomer belief is that you can often get a malfunctioning appliance to work again by slapping it.

Spreading quickly via Facebook:

Pretty sure the guy in front of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

Trending via Discord:

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

Seen just now on Slack:

Being bilingual means stuttering in both languages.

Sometimes I just want a man to talk to me in the same voice he uses to talk to his dog.

2 months ago

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"Honestly, I'll fetch the remote if it means getting some 'Who's a good girl?' vibes. 🐶😂💕"

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53 shares on LinkedIn this month:

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

18 shares on Messenger this month:

Ponytails are only hot on women, bro.

56 shares on Snapchat this month:

Don’t talk to me about regrets if you’ve never had someone’s name tattooed on you.

37 shares on Discord this month:

There are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all, and none of them work at your company.

69 shares on X this month:

I love when kids tell me what they want to be when they grow up, because I’m still looking for ideas.

89 shares on YouTube this month:

I’m awake and working. Please respect my privacy during these trying and emotional times.

43 shares on Telegram this month:

Turns out I am the autistic one at “movie night,” who thought you’re supposed to actually watch the movie.

17 shares on Facebook this month:

Mercury retrograde: because adulting is hard, and sometimes you just need a celestial excuse.

98 shares on Threads this month:

The more nicknames I have for you, the more I like you.

46 shares on Instagram this month:

Tolerate the lactose already, you heathen.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇷🇸 has shared:

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

Someone from 🇸🇰 has shared:

Husband said he only wants to allow our kids to watch Looney Tunes and nothing else because of the “moral lessons”.

Someone from 🇹🇩 has viewed:

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party. It was a twerk-place injury.

Someone from 🇱🇷 has bookmarked:

Printers are definitely the moody teenagers of the tech world.

Someone from 🇼🇸 has downloaded:

Sex is cool, but have you ever made peace with the horror of being alive.

Someone from 🇹🇹 has downloaded:

I wish laying in bed all day made me rich.

Someone from 🇵🇭 has downloaded:

If you say something while exhaling smoke, it is 10 times more profound.

Someone from 🇲🇻 has shared:

Imagine surviving Covid 19 and then China releases Covid 19S Plus Pro.

Someone from 🇸🇰 has viewed:

Today, I’m going to give it my almost.

Someone from 🇷🇺 has shared:

Dance like nobody’s watching, except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Reddit:

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

Going bananas on Instagram:

We don’t make people walk the plank like we used to.

Making waves on Discord:

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

Broadcasted on Pinterest:

Twitter is fun. You kinda just talk to yourself and sometimes someone replies.

Making waves on Threads:

Sorry about all of the correct stuff I said when I was right.

Just shared via Threads:

Hey beauty brands who make face creams: 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

Just landed via Pinterest:

Friends with benefits, but it’s just that they make delicious baked goods.

Shared recently on YouTube:

In a room full of art, I’d still stare at you.

Trending via Reddit:

Remember that even the worst haircut will eventually grow on you.

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Activity Log ✨

Sometimes I just want a man to talk to me in the same voice he uses to talk to his dog.

If I like cleaning? Does Sisyphus like his boulder?

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. Showed me the entire movie. In color.

Wearing shorts and my pale legs screamed at the sensation of sunlight like vampires.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Sometimes I just want a man to talk to me in the same voice he uses to talk to his dog.

Keep the laugh going 😂

If I like cleaning? Does Sisyphus like his boulder?

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. Showed me the entire movie. In color.

Wearing shorts and my pale legs screamed at the sensation of sunlight like vampires.

Why is it called Christian community and not Holyfans?

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

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