Sometimes I just want a man to talk to me in the same voice he uses to talk to his dog.

77 shares on Messenger this month:

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself, so if y’all don’t hear from me later, she probably folded me like an omelet.

39 shares on Pinterest this month:

Donuts have holes in them, just like acoustic guitars, but that’s pretty much where the similarities end.

23 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Lady on the streets, Cheeto crumbs in my sheets.

73 shares on Twitch this month:

Maybe aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

37 shares on Messenger this month:

I hate when a guy asks “can you cook?” Can you build a house?

71 shares on WhatsApp this month:

A McRib killed my tapeworm.

52 shares on Snapchat this month:

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travelers, are you dumb?

22 shares on Slack this month:

Single introverts be like, “If it’s meant to be, my future love will simply teleport into my living room.”

58 shares on YouTube this month:

Telling your parents about your problems is like adding another problem to your life.

52 shares on Instagram this month:

TikTok? I still call it a watch.