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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇧🇧 has copied:

Because it is Friday, I will allow one beautiful woman to invite me for drinks.

Someone from 🇹🇷 has copied:

I am not someone you have to entertain if you invite me, because I will have canceled.

Someone from 🇮🇱 has bookmarked:

I have no beef with vegetarians.

Someone from 🇮🇳 has bookmarked:

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle.

Someone from 🇹🇹 has copied:

I’m sorry, being on social media gave you the impression I’m a social person.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has shared:

I say things I don’t mean on spicy chicken.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has viewed:

Anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has copied:

God invented war so that Americans can learn geography.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has bookmarked:

Studies show that people with high IQs tend to be lazy, or something like that. I didn’t read the whole article.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has viewed:

My main takeaway from ‘The Walking Dead’ is that you can still eat the expired canned goods in your pantry.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

Funny Quotes Topics

17,765

Funny Quotes Images

15,752

Updated

Jan 20, 2026

Users Online

3,548

Social Media Log 💫

Broadcasted on YouTube:

You used to calm me on my cell phone!

Just shared via Reddit:

All I care about is being financially stable and getting sexier.

Shared recently on Pinterest:

My future husband is probably enjoying a nice summer with his first wife… but the seeds of discontent are there.

Just landed via Threads:

Once when I was exercising, I realized that I was allergic to it. I was out of breath, sweating and my heart was racing.

Just landed via Reddit:

I hate when people call my phone! I don’t use it for that.

Going viral on Facebook:

Men make it so easy to hate them.

Breaking via YouTube:

We don’t get a song of the summer this year because we were bad.

Making waves on Reddit:

Now that I got a library card, I’m moving differently.

Just landed via TikTok:

If you wave your keys in front of a giant house, people will think you own it.

Going viral on Snapchat:

I disagree with my politics.

Sorry I missed your call, I was staring in horror at the screen, wondering why on earth you couldn’t just text me.

2 days ago

Funny Quotes

Playful quote about preferring texts over calls, with a humorous horror twist.

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Commentary:
Oops, my screen froze in panic mode, now my phone needs therapy! 📱😂💆‍♀️

call, communication, Earth, frustration, horror, humor, i, just, me, message, missed, missed call, phone, screen, sorry, staring, technology, text, text message, why, wondering

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90 shares on YouTube this month:

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him.

61 shares on TikTok this month:

Just once I’d like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear “Monday has been cancelled,” and then go back to sleep.

47 shares on X this month:

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy.”

14 shares on Snapchat this month:

Missionary, so we can discuss how 15 min can save us 15% or more on car insurance.

51 shares on WeChat this month:

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

92 shares on TikTok this month:

For someone who loves to sleep so much, you’d think I’d go to bed earlier.

22 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Sharpening pencils at the bin was the biggest link-up.

81 shares on Facebook this month:

If at first you don’t succeed, that’s so embarrassing. Why are you so bad at this?

39 shares on Pinterest this month:

Staring at your phone is a great way to miss a few years of your life.

30 shares on Snapchat this month:

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will be acting weird today.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇳🇴 has shared:

Dear God, thank you for the job I have. But if you have a lottery win planned for me, I’m ready! Thank you.

Someone from 🇫🇯 has shared:

Pretty sure the guy in front of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has viewed:

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no.

Someone from 🇺🇾 has downloaded:

Demi Lovato is short for demilitarized love potato.

Someone from 🇬🇦 has bookmarked:

Whenever I have a headache, I take 2 aspirin and keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle.

Someone from 🇰🇮 has bookmarked:

Never underestimate my ability to fall asleep in a moving vehicle.

Someone from 🇬🇭 has downloaded:

Is everyone enjoying their entire month of August off work with full pay? Oh yeah, I forgot, only Congress gets to do that.

Someone from 🇺🇬 has bookmarked:

Hey boy, are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 10 minutes last.

Someone from 🇭🇺 has downloaded:

My handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

Someone from 🇰🇼 has downloaded:

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on X:

If your coffee shop has a passive-aggressive ‘no Wi-Fi, pretend it’s the old days’ sign, I’m gonna smoke in there and pay 50 cents for coffee.

Freshly posted on Discord:

I’m going to start reading books again, as soon as I finish the internet.

Live now on Telegram:

Gonna toot my own horn here because I made it through another day without turning any of my feelings into felonies.

Just landed via TikTok:

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive.

Shared recently on Threads:

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’ This used to be a real country.

Spreading quickly via Reddit:

Might mess around and reply to all work emails with “make me”.

Spotted on Facebook:

The best way to contact me is to meet me in my dreams at 3 a.m.

Just shared via Instagram:

Mondays are for pretending. Real work begins on Tuesday.

Breaking via TikTok:

Put my height in bio. Hope it lands me a girlfriend.

Spreading quickly via TikTok:

“Alcohol and beautiful women” is apparently not an appropriate answer when you are asked about your weaknesses in a job interview.

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Sorry I missed your call, I was staring in horror at the screen, wondering why on earth you couldn’t just text me.

Customers will say shit like, “Uhh, it’s asking me to remove my card?”

At this point, I’m rooting for the aliens.

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

Venting to ChatGPT is crazy, y’all turning schizophrenic.

Imagine hating me, and I’m just over here making love.

The only reason I haven’t gone crazy yet is because I’m just too lazy.

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Wordgag ツ

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Sorry I missed your call, I was staring in horror at the screen, wondering why on earth you couldn’t just text me.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Customers will say shit like, “Uhh, it’s asking me to remove my card?”

At this point, I’m rooting for the aliens.

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

Venting to ChatGPT is crazy, y’all turning schizophrenic.

Imagine hating me, and I’m just over here making love.

The only reason I haven’t gone crazy yet is because I’m just too lazy.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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