My résumé is really just a list of things I hope I never have to do again.

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Just because you are unique, doesn’t mean you are useful.

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Sometimes a lover girl, sometimes a dinosaur.

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I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena.

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When people are telling me a story about their life it often reminds me of a much better story from my life.

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Girl talk is my favorite. You go from discussing goals to talking about shoes, to hating men, to planning a trip in six minutes.

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Maybe I’ll quit so I can focus on summer.

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Oh I’m sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

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Trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating.

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Tired of my landlord depending on my rent. Bro, get a job.

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You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”