Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a Christmas sweater on.

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You never realize what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

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If two witches watched two watches, which witch would watch which watch? Each witch would watch which watch belonged to which witch’s wrist.

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Bacon should be free for anyone having a bad day.

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Yes, officer I saw the speed limit, I just didn’t see your car.

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It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby.

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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

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When God created the giraffe, he probably slipped with the mouse on the screen. This is how its neck was created.

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Hello, boyfriend? It’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

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Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

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I don’t have gray hair, I have wisdom highlights.