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I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat!

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I think it’s very sexy of me to still move with love in a world like this.

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Stop eating around the bush or whatever the saying is.

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God’s plan for me does not involve LinkedIn at all.

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When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot.

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I think God was high when he made me.

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Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

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Trying is the first step toward failure.

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Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag.

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No, I mean, it’s great toast. I just didn’t expect it to be French.

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Delete a letter of his name from your contacts every time he makes you upset. When his name’s gone, he’s gone. Hangman that boy.

Delete a letter of his name from your contacts every time he makes you upset. When his name’s gone, he’s gone. Hangman that boy.

Commentary:
Starting a game of Hangman with my contacts—he's got only two vowels left before he vanishes! 😂✌️🔡



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