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6 months ago
Share →: I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch.

Commentary:
"Ah, the tragic saga of the cape-clad, wet-haired warrior! A tale of misaligned parts and salon woes unfold beneath the harsh fluorescent lights. The struggle is real, my friends. May your hair find its way and your cape flutter in triumph! 💇‍♀️✨ #HairitageChronicles"

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Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

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Someone from 🇨🇳 has copied:

One day you’re 18 eating pizza for every lunch, then suddenly you’re 30 and eating salad with celery and kale juice.

Someone from 🇲🇪 has downloaded:

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

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Called in, “Taking a gap year.”

Someone from 🇱🇸 has viewed:

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up on the couch.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has copied:

Want to know what someone is really like? Play Monopoly with them.

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A few months after the wedding, Cinderella’s husband began to complain about her having too many shoes.

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Hold on, let me overthink this.

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Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

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You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

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Body: time to fall asleep. Brain: hey, that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

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Breaking via WeChat:

Has anyone ever considered that Dr. Pepper could be a gynecologist?

Spotted on TikTok:

There’s something meditative about cleaning. It’s the perfect time to reflect and plan revenge on every single person who has ever wronged you.

Just shared via X:

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

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Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

Just shared via LinkedIn:

Not all works of art are in a museum. I, for example, am lying on the couch at home.

Going viral on Pinterest:

I’m not a morning person. I’m not even an afternoon person. I pretty much start functioning after 6pm.

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I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actor.

Going viral on WeChat:

I’m at the age where a house arrest no longer sounds like the worst thing.

Freshly posted on LinkedIn:

Being quiet in a room full of loud people is my favorite sport.

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Back in my day, we had to walk to the TV to change the channel. Uphill, both ways!

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Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

An adult is a person that keeps Ibuprofen in more than one place.

If love is the answer then what was the question?

Silicon Valley has taken over the world. Remember when nerds had the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

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Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life.

I’m staying up past midnight this New Year’s eve. Not to welcome the new year, but to make sure this one is over.

My retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding a buried treasure at some point.

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura.

“Thanks for your payment!” Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

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Sorry, can’t. I’m too busy growing new neural pathways to make space for a stranger’s opinion. Evolution takes bandwidth, man.

Spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife, so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic.

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon, which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

I think Australians should have to go three rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

Growing up, I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup, but here we are.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

My parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult, I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off.

I can’t take people who pronounce “gnocchi” correctly seriously.

I thought you are the sunshine of my life, but you are just a meteor trying to destroy my world.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me.

Please don’t send me mixed signals, I don’t even understand the clear ones.

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