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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇸🇪 has viewed:

I think my type is a nice person.

Someone from 🇿🇦 has bookmarked:

Normalize bed-rotting in the holidays and not feeling guilty about it for your mental health.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has copied:

My favorite things about Texas are definitely toast and chainsaw massacres.

Someone from 🇬🇧 has shared:

Life is like a game of chess. I don’t enjoy it very much.

Someone from 🇰🇿 has shared:

Your hoodie strings are uneven. Go home and get your shit together!

Someone from 🇸🇱 has shared:

Rent really don’t make no sense. Like, why is my apartment getting a raise every year? Who is doing the performance review?

Someone from 🇲🇨 has copied:

It’s jarring for me when there are British people in the Midwest. How did you get this far inland?

Someone from 🇬🇶 has downloaded:

Twitter is the black sheep of the web, always in the corner, loudly arguing with itself.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has shared:

I’m looking for a moisturizer to hide the fact that I’ve been tired since 2010.

Someone from 🇰🇳 has copied:

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

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Funny Quotes Total

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Updated

Jan 19, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Slack:

The trick is to not let people know how weird you are until it’s too late for them to back out.

Just landed via Slack:

Don’t let anyone ruin your day. Be a man. Ruin it yourself.

Just shared via X:

Before I drink, I eat liver so the liquor won’t know which liver to attack.

Broadcasted on WeChat:

Me driving at night: I hope this is the road!

Going bananas on Snapchat:

Now hush, Lil Labubu, don’t you cry, everything’s gonna be Dubai.

Making waves on Snapchat:

Vote for me, I’ll cut the alphabet in half.

Seen just now on Snapchat:

Cupid’s arrow should have just killed me instead.

Seen just now on TikTok:

Imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you.

Shared recently on Snapchat:

Normalize saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

I’m just going to be hotter. It’s easier than being nicer.

Funny life-changing news quotes

New funny life-changing news quotes 👇

I actually check my emails every day in hopes I’m going to get some life-changing news someday.

10 hours ago

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All funny life-changing news quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

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17 shares on Messenger this month:

At the first signs of a sore throat, you should be given the option of just skipping four days into the future.

90 shares on Slack this month:

My favorite thing to do when I see people I know in public is to pretend I didn’t.

55 shares on Facebook this month:

Have I made bad decisions when I was drunk? Sure. But have the sober ones been any better? Not really.

95 shares on LinkedIn this month:

It should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. Like, I shut it off and back on again, why are you still here?

85 shares on Discord this month:

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door.

11 shares on Reddit this month:

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

89 shares on WeChat this month:

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

21 shares on Facebook this month:

Sleep with each other, or someone else will!

95 shares on Slack this month:

Why did they have to bleep out everything R2D2 said?

60 shares on Discord this month:

No, no, I’m listening, it just takes me some time to process so much stupidity all at once.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇪 has viewed:

I don’t need therapy, I need a bagel with cream cheese.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has viewed:

Just saying “Think about it!” is enough to overwhelm many people these days.

Someone from 🇹🇭 has viewed:

Calm yourself, Lucifer. You did the right thing coming to me for advice.

Someone from 🇪🇬 has downloaded:

Don’t throw a relationship away just because you don’t agree with their choices, unless they wear Crocs, then it’s okay.

Someone from 🇸🇴 has viewed:

Google AI is awesome because it kills the planet and doesn’t work.

Someone from 🇧🇼 has copied:

Brains are awesome. I wish I had one.

Someone from 🇫🇲 has viewed:

They should invent health insurance that insures your health.

Someone from 🇧🇸 has shared:

“Easy like Sunday morning” is something people with no kids say.

Someone from 🇸🇨 has shared:

Whenever I have a headache, I take 2 aspirin and keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle.

Someone from 🇱🇾 has bookmarked:

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you don’t need a special occasion to buy a cake.

Social Media Log 💫

Breaking via LinkedIn:

Adult life sucks. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

Broadcasted on Facebook:

This is not an empty room, this is a very successful anti-party.

Just shared via Discord:

I love routine. Until I’m bored, then I love excitement. Until I’m overwhelmed, then I love routine.

Spotted on Discord:

Animals be 15 minutes old and already know what to do.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

I need carpenters to remember that beds are also for sex. The aesthetics are great and all, but what is with all the squeaking?

Freshly posted on Slack:

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal, have you had any alcohol in the last 24 hours?

Just shared via Instagram:

Being social sucks all my energy.

Just shared via Threads:

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

Broadcasted on Twitch:

I enjoy excess, but only in moderation.

Spotted on Messenger:

It’s funny how cats have ears on top of their head, but don’t use them.

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Funny life-changing news quotes

New funny life-changing news quotes 👇

I actually check my emails every day in hopes I’m going to get some life-changing news someday.

All funny life-changing news quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

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