Hello, I’m a professor in a movie. I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

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Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix.

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Handing over my ID at the post office. The clerk said, “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.” I said, “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

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Where do I sign up to be one of those influencers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

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Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

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I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for, detective?”

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Stay up till 4 a.m. one night, and your sleep schedule is ruined for the next 4 years.

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Imagining how cathartic it must feel to send forth thousands and thousands of bats from your Transylvanian manor.

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Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control, so I can run it from my recliner.

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There are people who have a favourite colour, and there are people whose favourite colour is purple. These are very different things. Purple fans are different creatures.

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I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.