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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇦🇿 has downloaded:

“You like talking to yourself?” God forbid I seek advice from an expert.

Someone from 🇵🇭 has shared:

Sometimes you have to sit back and imagine what life could be if it wasn’t a horrifying nightmare.

Someone from 🇱🇨 has bookmarked:

Anyone else smile at old people just to show that you’re one of the good ones.

Someone from 🇹🇬 has viewed:

There should be an opposite of Valentine’s Day where you post Instagram photos of your enemy.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has bookmarked:

Having a job is crazy. When you’re at home, you feel lonely and want to go to work. When you’re at work, you’re exhausted and just want to go home.

Someone from 🇵🇰 has shared:

One person’s logic is another one’s “what the heck?”

Someone from 🇳🇵 has bookmarked:

I’m bad at being sad. Three minutes in, and I’m already making fun of my situation.

Someone from 🇰🇭 has copied:

I hate it when I turn on the car in the morning and the music starts blasting… It’s like, woah, I’m not the same person I was last night.

Someone from 🇬🇼 has bookmarked:

I don’t always seize the day. Sometimes I poke the day with my index finger and go, ew, ew, ew, ew.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has bookmarked:

I don’t understand the desire to rock climb. We have stairs for that now. Problem solved.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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3,492

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Snapchat:

I don’t understand why people have to “get ready for bed.” I am always ready for bed.

Shared recently on Discord:

Spending money on disappointing food is a different type of pain.

Seen just now on X:

Wealthy person who has no problems and also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

Going bananas on YouTube:

Hate it when I pull out a winter coat and there’s no money stashed in it.

Shared recently on Snapchat:

Let’s get married and have kids, so instead of relaxing during weeknights, we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

Trending via TikTok:

Stop normalizing things, we’ll run out of the weird shit.

Spotted on X:

Being an adult is mumbling ‘this is stupid’ as you reluctantly slide out of bed.

Breaking via Messenger:

Life is strange. We come into the world with nothing, then we struggle for everything, and finally, we leave with nothing.

Making waves on LinkedIn:

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

Spreading quickly via Threads:

I need you to think about me 23/7. You get 1 hour a day for yourself.

It’s so beautiful to see people just give up at work this time of year. I’m getting emails that do not include any complete sentences.

1 day ago

Funny Quotes

Humorous quote about workplace laziness with incomplete emails during holiday season.

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Commentary:
Ah, the season of "Ctrl+C Ctrl+Z" communication has begun! 🏝️📉✉️😅

beautiful, Christmas, complete, email, emails, getting, give, holiday, holiday season, humor, just, people, procrastination, season, sentence, time, work, year

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Social Media Stars ⭐

80 shares on Facebook this month:

Good morning. I’m ready for attention now.

89 shares on LinkedIn this month:

My favorite kind of gender reveal is the one where the parents find out, and they just tell everyone through text instead of making me go to a party.

13 shares on Slack this month:

I was gonna brush up against you like a cat, but whatever, bro.

57 shares on Telegram this month:

Yes, I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

82 shares on X this month:

Not to brag, but my children already knew everything I told them today.

100 shares on Reddit this month:

Chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing.

24 shares on Threads this month:

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles. “Oh hey, Qdilrox sounds good.”

16 shares on Instagram this month:

Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out.

64 shares on YouTube this month:

I’ve jogged with my jogging pants about as often as I’ve rolled through the kitchen with kitchen roll.

16 shares on Threads this month:

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇨🇻 has viewed:

My guardian angel is probably preoccupied with sports betting apps and generative AI, that’s why she’s letting all these bad things happen to me.

Someone from 🇬🇼 has downloaded:

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

Someone from 🇵🇭 has bookmarked:

They should invent a Twitter where the timeline doesn’t refresh against your will.

Someone from 🇭🇹 has bookmarked:

This Monday has Monday written all over it.

Someone from 🇨🇺 has bookmarked:

We seriously need to bring back courting. What the hell is ‘wyd tonight?’ Arrive on a horse and bring flowers like a man.

Someone from 🇧🇧 has shared:

Heyyyyyy (with the worst of intentions).

Someone from 🇫🇯 has shared:

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

Someone from 🇮🇷 has copied:

Sometime you meet such a prince that you’d rather marry the horse.

Someone from 🇬🇳 has downloaded:

The Sunday struggle is wanting to relax and wanting a clean house, but also not wanting to clean or move.

Someone from 🇿🇦 has viewed:

I don’t understand the phrase “You can’t have your cake and eat it” because if I have cake, what the hell else am I supposed to do with it.

Social Media Log 💫

Broadcasted on LinkedIn:

Make sure you stock up on condoms, so you don’t produce any more idiots.

Just landed via LinkedIn:

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom, why do you always buy Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

Spotted on LinkedIn:

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

Breaking via Instagram:

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

Just landed via Instagram:

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try.

Just landed via Telegram:

Deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon).

Making waves on LinkedIn:

This is your sign to cancel all work meetings today.

Freshly posted on LinkedIn:

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email.

Freshly posted on X:

The crematorium is my last hope for a hot body.

Freshly posted on Twitch:

Brother: What are you bringing to Thanksgiving dinner? Me: Wine and unresolved issues. They pair nicely.

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Activity Log ✨

It’s so beautiful to see people just give up at work this time of year. I’m getting emails that do not include any complete sentences.

11:00 am – Anything is possible. 3:00 pm – But not today.

It’s never too early to be sad about having to work the next day.

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

As a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends. As an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Wife bought something on FB Marketplace, but she’s afraid she’ll get kidnapped, so she sends me to pick it up from a guy whose wife sent him because she’s afraid to get kidnapped.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

It’s so beautiful to see people just give up at work this time of year. I’m getting emails that do not include any complete sentences.

Keep the laugh going 😂

11:00 am – Anything is possible. 3:00 pm – But not today.

It’s never too early to be sad about having to work the next day.

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

As a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends. As an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Wife bought something on FB Marketplace, but she’s afraid she’ll get kidnapped, so she sends me to pick it up from a guy whose wife sent him because she’s afraid to get kidnapped.

They should send the Epstein list to everyone’s phones like that U2 album.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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