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Someone from 🇬🇼 has viewed:

Just remembered I can just get drunk after work instead of quitting. That was a close one.

Someone from 🇯🇴 has viewed:

Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it actually fit. So proud of myself. It was a scarf, but still, let’s be positive here.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has shared:

Disliking me is valid. I probably confronted you on your poor behavior, while everyone else just accepted it.

Someone from 🇩🇯 has viewed:

I have never read a Hacker News thread where any of the commenters seemed as if their life contained joy.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has shared:

Teach a man to fish, and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach your kid about stingrays, and he will pretend to sting you all afternoon.

Someone from 🇧🇸 has viewed:

I wonder if people who spend all their time screaming on the internet know there are way more fun things to do.

Someone from 🇩🇿 has viewed:

Life on other planets be like: “I hope those lunatics don’t discover us!”

Someone from 🇹🇬 has copied:

Websites need to realize that no one ever, ever wants the site to be able to send them notifications.

Someone from 🇧🇾 has copied:

Another Monday that no one asked for.

Someone from 🇰🇿 has viewed:

I love all mythical creatures. Vampires, werewolves, unicorns, kids who listen.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Trending via Reddit:

Drunk me promising you anything is the equivalent of a politician giving their manifesto … it’s not gonna happen.

Freshly posted on Telegram:

Only 6 hours, 45 minutes and 35 years until I’m done with work.

Shared recently on Slack:

If I ever experience an earthquake, my first thought will probably be it’s Godzilla.

Just shared via Telegram:

Spending money is too easy. For my bank account’s sake, I need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before I’m allowed to buy something.

Live now on Snapchat:

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families. Do their families get a say in this?

Breaking via Facebook:

Deleting my mental health to focus on social media.

Going viral on Discord:

Why is sleeping at night so hard, but sleeping in the morning is like drifting away on a soft, fluffy cloud while Adele sings you a lullaby?

Just landed via X:

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do. That’s insane.

Live now on LinkedIn:

Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

Going bananas on Pinterest:

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

Just drafted the drunk text I’m going to send after one drink this weekend.

1 week ago

Funny Quotes

Humorous text about planning a silly drunk message after one drink.

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Commentary:
"When you're so prepared, even your texts have a flight plan! ✈️📲😂"

after, alcohol, casual, drink, drinking, drunk, drunk text, going, humor, just, night, night out, send, social, text, texting, weekend

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14 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Apple juice tastes like it wants to be alcohol, but it’s too shy.

73 shares on Telegram this month:

Got a job rejection, saw the company post the same job again, so I applied again. I decide when we’re done.

88 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Just found out my 84-year-old neighbour is on his own tomorrow, so I’ve just been over to collect his spare chairs to borrow.

35 shares on Pinterest this month:

There’s an epidemic of people just staring at their phones in their parked cars.

13 shares on LinkedIn this month:

With great power comes a huge electric bill.

92 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood, but I’m beginning to think they don’t worry about me.

48 shares on Snapchat this month:

Sorry for my bad behavior. Mercury is in gatorade or whatever.

99 shares on Messenger this month:

You don’t scare me. I used to have to call and ask a girl’s parents if she was there.

94 shares on Slack this month:

Nudes are outdated. Send me a video of you reading out loud so I know you’re not dumb.

81 shares on WeChat this month:

Forget Spotify Wrapped. How many minutes did you spend listening to your girlfriend this year?

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇵🇼 has bookmarked:

If I were God, I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has viewed:

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform.

Someone from 🇲🇽 has shared:

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash.

Someone from 🇰🇿 has shared:

Being gracefully insane is the secret to staying somewhat sane in an insane world.

Someone from 🇲🇨 has shared:

Haven’t seen a single bikini photoshoot in the snow this year; the girls are tired.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has bookmarked:

I am “any text received after 9pm will be answered at 6am” years old.

Someone from 🇩🇿 has shared:

I love when someone texts “hey,” like I’m supposed to solve the rest.

Someone from 🇸🇴 has shared:

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

Someone from 🇹🇿 has downloaded:

Sometimes I just say “no idea” because I’m too lazy to think.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has shared:

This is the fastest December in the history of all December.

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Discord:

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time.

Just shared via WhatsApp:

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then honestly, you’re missing out because that’s when my jokes and bits get really, really good.

Trending via Instagram:

I’m sorry I said “I look forward to working with you” during our wedding vows.

Breaking via Facebook:

The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.

Freshly posted on Telegram:

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss, you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

Going viral on YouTube:

Back to the Future and chill?

Just shared via Twitch:

At this point, I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!

Freshly posted on LinkedIn:

Lies I tell myself: Just one more cookie. Just one more movie. Just one more minute.

Just landed via Threads:

Sex is like tacos. I wish I were having some now.

Making waves on Pinterest:

If you wake up early enough, you can go back to sleep for a few hours. Not everyone knows this.

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Activity Log ✨

Just drafted the drunk text I’m going to send after one drink this weekend.

If you call me “daddy” in bed, I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room.

“Time After Time” is my favorite song about doing the dishes.

I’m like if a birthday card with no money inside was a person.

Y’all ever withheld good news so that it remains untouched by negativity?

I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to get home from work tomorrow.

Somebody should tell James Cameron the world doesn’t need any more frigging Avatar movies.

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Activity Log ✨

Just drafted the drunk text I’m going to send after one drink this weekend.

Keep the laugh going 😂

If you call me “daddy” in bed, I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room.

“Time After Time” is my favorite song about doing the dishes.

I’m like if a birthday card with no money inside was a person.

Y’all ever withheld good news so that it remains untouched by negativity?

I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to get home from work tomorrow.

Somebody should tell James Cameron the world doesn’t need any more frigging Avatar movies.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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