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I be like, “Awwwww cows,” and then go and eat two double cheeseburgers, lol.

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My son got braces today. Yay, he’s not going to be a teenage dad.

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Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

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I come from a long line of people with something wrong with them.

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Sometimes it’s the conversations you have with yourself that take the longest.

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It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

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The only thing I gained this year is weight.