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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇳🇴 has bookmarked:

This Monday has Monday written all over it.

Someone from 🇷🇸 has viewed:

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping.

Someone from 🇮🇩 has bookmarked:

Every time I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere, I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

Someone from 🇱🇮 has downloaded:

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

Someone from 🇸🇳 has viewed:

It’s with a heavy heart and a deep sadness that I have to announce that I’m at work.

Someone from 🇦🇩 has viewed:

When someone has “Do Not Disturb” on, it’s like, oh, okay, I didn’t realize the great philosopher was in their hour of seclusion. Pardon me for even daring to enter their precious mind palace.

Someone from 🇰🇲 has downloaded:

I respectfully ignore DMs because I promise you, I am not your soulmate.

Someone from 🇺🇦 has viewed:

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store.

Someone from 🇧🇪 has viewed:

A sperm bank implies the existence of sperm markets, which further implies the existence of high-frequency sperm trading.

Someone from 🇹🇬 has shared:

I don’t freak out until I see the Buddhists freaking out.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

676 this month

Funny Quotes Total

15,269

Funny Quotes Topics

17,387

Funny Quotes Images

15,269

Updated

Dec 31, 2025

Users Online

4,079

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on Instagram:

I’m on that new diet where you eat anything you want and you pray for a miracle.

Spreading quickly via Twitch:

I just want someone who can read a book with me in silence, and then do ungodly things sometimes.

Just landed via Slack:

People my age are raising children, and I’m just here trying to bribe myself with treats into doing my own chores.

Breaking via Threads:

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

Just landed via Snapchat:

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

Spreading quickly via YouTube:

I hate to slut-shame, but a lot of you are not slutty enough.

Spotted on Instagram:

What bootlickers fail to understand is that the boot eventually comes for them too.

Just landed via Twitch:

I had a million opportunities to waste money this year, and I took them all. In fact, even when there wasn’t an opportunity, I created one.

Just landed via Messenger:

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making all of the food that is unhealthy for you taste so good.

Just shared via Messenger:

Telling my coworkers I can’t talk in meetings today because I need to save my voice for concerts this weekend.

I got called “pretty” today! Well, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying,” but I only focus on the positive things.

2 months ago

Download image ↓

Commentary:
"Always knew I was a 'pretty' big deal! 😎✨ #PositivityChampion"

annoying, compliment, focus, full, got, humor, i, irony, joke, only, positive, positivity, pretty, sarcasm, self-deprecating, sentence, things, today, well, wit

Trending Funny Quotes 👇

Knowing I’ve been called crazy, but never ugly, is how I sleep at night.

0

5 months ago

confidence, crazy, humor, i, knowing, never, night, self-acceptance, sleep, ugly
When intelligence meets empathy and kindness, it’s so sexy.

0

5 months ago

attraction, compliment, empathy, humor, intelligence, kindness, personality, personality traits, sexy, traits
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not dying, it’s just Monday.

0

2 months ago

dying, hear, humor, i, just, know, mindset, Monday, motivation, needs, positivity, reassurance, stress, workweek
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

0

2 months ago

alien, aliens, fiction, here, humor, Jersey, joke, light, light year, new, New Jersey, science, science fiction, travel, visit, year
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

0

2 months ago

brain, humor, i, intelligence, know, less, myth, people
Clothes too dirty for the closet, but too clean for laundry. Welcome to: the chair.

0

4 months ago

chair, clean, closet, clothes, dilemma, dirty, humor, laundry, laundry dilemma, too, welcome

New Funny Quotes

🎲 Random Funny Quotes

Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

🎉🥂 New Year Quotes

Social Media Stars ⭐

33 shares on Slack this month:

Rest here, weary doom-scroller, you’ve seen enough bullshit for one day.

43 shares on Messenger this month:

Thank you, Facebook memories, for constantly reminding me of the shitty taste in men I had for the majority of my life.

96 shares on Messenger this month:

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

28 shares on Threads this month:

I can’t wait to get married so I can bring home unnecessary stuff and get yelled at for it.

86 shares on WeChat this month:

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger.

85 shares on Messenger this month:

“You’re overthinking this!” Bro, I have anxiety. I have no other type of thinking available.

100 shares on Pinterest this month:

No revenge, because to know me only as a memory is to suffer.

66 shares on Twitch this month:

You could waterboard pretty much any embarrassing information out of me. I’m very waterboardable.

70 shares on Threads this month:

Lois Lane said, “Clark?” like she didn’t just make out with that same jawline in spandex twelve hours ago.

24 shares on WeChat this month:

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇩🇲 has downloaded:

Depression is embarrassing because sometimes it makes you miss appointments and not return phone calls, and when the fog starts to lift, you gotta do a whole bloody apology tour.

Someone from 🇧🇧 has viewed:

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

Someone from 🇲🇦 has shared:

I get at least 1,000 steps in waiting for my food to be done in the microwave.

Someone from 🇼🇸 has bookmarked:

Not to brag but there are so many movies out there that have watched me sleep.

Someone from 🇸🇿 has copied:

Once you’ve read the dictionary, every other book you read is just a remix.

Someone from 🇲🇹 has copied:

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

Someone from 🇹🇩 has bookmarked:

Have an early flight tomorrow, so naturally I’m going to stay up late tonight and be weird in my room.

Someone from 🇦🇩 has downloaded:

You should get a pension for having to go to school for so many years.

Someone from 🇧🇫 has downloaded:

My wife just pulled me into the other room, and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk, but she just wanted to give me M&M’s without the kids seeing.

Someone from 🇵🇼 has downloaded:

Not to be a nerd, but a well-placed semicolon is hot as hell.

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on LinkedIn:

Human hibernation should be a thing.

Going viral on Telegram:

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality.

Broadcasted on Reddit:

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

Just shared via LinkedIn:

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard.

Just landed via Slack:

Nowadays you don’t even have to go to the zoo. A trip to the mall is enough.

Just landed via Pinterest:

High school crushes were crazy because, why the hell was I running all over school just to catch a glimpse of him.

Just shared via Slack:

I wish I loved exercise as much as I love napping 3 times a day and eating 5 times the suggested serving size.

Broadcasted on Facebook:

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for stealing.

Just landed via Telegram:

Libraries were a good start, but we need more places where people can’t talk.

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying “What?” to this person?

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

I got called “pretty” today! Well, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying,” but I only focus on the positive things.

Related Funny Quotes 🤝

Knowing I’ve been called crazy, but never ugly, is how I sleep at night.

When intelligence meets empathy and kindness, it’s so sexy.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not dying, it’s just Monday.

Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

Clothes too dirty for the closet, but too clean for laundry. Welcome to: the chair.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨