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Looking forward to eight hours of trying to get four hours of sleep tonight.

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I’m awake and working. Please respect my privacy during these trying and emotional times.

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If you want to sell something to a woman, show her other women using it. If you want to sell something to a man, prove to him no other man has it.

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“What’s your blood type?” I don’t know, boiling!

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Like a fine bourbon, we get better with age. Or, at least, … we feel better about our age after drinking lots of bourbon!

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It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

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I hate having a messy house. Not enough to actually clean it, but enough to give it a disgusted stare while I peacefully relax on the couch.

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People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

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According to the web, caffeine deficiency is a life threatening condition for people around you.

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Turns out strange women lying in ponds distributing swords was a better basis for a system of government actually.

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I just found out I have to go on dates to get a boyfriend. Iโ€™m sick to my stomach.

Funny text about dating struggles, expressing comic discomfort with the idea of dating.

Commentary:
Dating: the only time stomach butterflies are both romantic and a symptom of illness ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿฆ‹



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