My mom asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party, and that’s when I realized he was the favorite twin.

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There are two wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord.

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Changing your mind is an underrated activity.

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I think we all know who to blame for the generation of parents who put too many Ys in their kids’ names. Lynyrd Skynyrd.

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Human stupidity exists because if everyone were smart, we’d have no one to laugh at on the internet.

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Weddings should have a worst man.

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Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with a group chat.

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Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

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Why read the room when you can leave the room?

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I’m now at the age where happy hour is a nap.

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If I were an organ, I’d fail.