To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my year book, I have some devastating news. Posted onMay 25, 2026
After careful consideration, I think I’d have way more fun if I was incredibly stupid. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Being single for Valentine’s Day is way better than being in the wrong relationship. Posted onMay 25, 2026
My favorite type of gender reveal is the one where they just tell me and I don’t have to go to a party to find out. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Starting the second half of your sandwich is like “hell yeah, baby, let’s run it back!” Posted onMay 25, 2026
Even on the coldest of days, there’s such peace found in the warm embrace of a hot pizza. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Job applications be like “how did you hear about us?”. Bro why, was it a secret? Posted onMay 25, 2026
The point of life is going to a good restaurant and getting two cocktails with dinner. That’s it. Posted onMay 25, 2026
It’s been so long since I had sex last, went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I’m at that age where someone can call me the wrong name and I’m just like “whatever, I’ll be Dan for a minute”. Posted onMay 25, 2026
It’s like winter is mad and keeps storming out, then coming back yelling ‘and another thing!’ Posted onMay 25, 2026
When one door closes, lock it securely, along with all your other doors and windows, before any inspirational quotes get in. Posted onMay 25, 2026
You know you’re an introvert when you want to go home before even leaving the house. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Most people prefer lies. The truth just hits them like a WiFi outage, and then they just stand there, confused and buffering. Posted onMay 25, 2026
People who quit their jobs before having a backup job lined up ain’t scared of nothing. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Imagine hating me and i’m just over here doing a much better job at hating myself than any of y’all could do. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I’m not your dream woman. I am the sudden shouting of ravens that you hear when you enter a part of the forest you shouldn’t have. Posted onMay 25, 2026