Adulthood is basically just trying to fall asleep at night and stay awake during the day. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I don’t know the difference between “gray” & “grey” and I’m too scared to even ask. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Everyone who dramatically ‘quits’ social media is back in 48 hours like it was just a trial separation. Posted onMay 25, 2026
For the first time in history, you can simply post “He’s an idiot” and 90% of the world will know whom you’re talking about. Posted onMay 25, 2026
“Autism didn’t exist until recently!” Have you met old guys who work in hardware stores? Posted onMay 25, 2026
My youngest had a mandatory drugs and alcohol lecture today at school, and he still can’t mix a proper drink. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Men used to smoke Marlboros. Now they cry when they lose their strawberry cheesecake vape. Posted onMay 25, 2026
They did so well traumatizing us about teen pregnancy, I’m still traumatized as an adult. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Women only want one thing and it is to walk down a dimly-lit cobblestone street with the devil. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Husband said he only wants to allow our kids to watch Looney Tunes and nothing else because of the “moral lessons”. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Can’t stand British posts on my timeline. “I bought this for four squids and a halfpenny!” What the hell are you talking about? Posted onMay 25, 2026
Thank you for your password, now we are going to text you another password, then put that one in. Click ‘remember this computer’ so we can forget it. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Ask your doctor if it’s right for you to eat oranges and pretend they’re planets and you’re a Greek god. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Are you there, bathroom walls, ceiling, floor, mirror, sink, and towels? It’s me, the kids toothpaste. Posted onMay 25, 2026
If you say “awesome sauce” on a first date, you’ll still have that lucky condom in your wallet tomorrow. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Sometimes I see how many vacations people take and I wonder if I’m bad with money or if they are. Posted onMay 25, 2026
If you scroll Twitter long enough, you too can burn calories by shaking your head. Posted onMay 25, 2026
If there was an award for staying at home, I’d win and then send someone else to pick it up for me. Posted onMay 25, 2026
My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty. I said because she is a pessimist. Posted onMay 25, 2026